Zina Kumok, Author at Adulting

Basing a marriage on dating bliss is a bad idea. Before you commit to marriage, you need to have these uncomfortable conversations. Read More...

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Zina Kumok

The road to marriage can be fraught with uncertainty. Getting hitched is often the biggest decision a person makes in life. It’s easy to wonder if you’ve made the right decision – even as you walk down the aisle.

Much of that uncertainty can be avoided by with frank (read: probably uncomfortable) conversations in the early stages of your engagement. Here are five questions to ask before you start sending out wedding invites:

1. What’s your credit score?

Studies indicate that couples who have high credit scores are less likely to divorce, while those with divergent scores are more likely to split up. Money, stress, and infidelity are the top reasons for divorce, so it’s necessary for couples to discuss finances before they walk down the aisle.

A credit score can reveal how your partner handles their finances and how much they care. Credit reports show delinquent accounts, unpaid bills, and more. Your credit score reflects what’s in a credit report. It’s what lenders use to gauge a person’s creditworthiness. Think about it: if a bank won’t trust them with their money, can you?

2. Do you want kids?

In an era where being child-free is no longer as unusual as it once was, deciding whether or not to have kids is a conversation you should have before you tie the knot. If one of you wants kids but the other isn’t sure, that insecurity can spell doom for a relationship.

It’s also important to discuss how you want to raise your future children. You don’t need a dissertation on your parenting philosophy, but it may be helpful to talk about it beforehand. Fighting about the right way to parent is common for married couples and can lead to unnecessary dissent.

3. What do you want your future to look like?

Marriage is a decision you make for the present and the future, so it’s vital to know what kind of future you and your partner want. Do you want to move across the country or spend your youth traveling across the world? Do you want to settle down now and start your own business?

These questions can also depend on your significant other’s career. For example, if you’re married to someone in the military, your life may involve several cross-country moves or deployments. If your job is hectic, your partner may have to spend years waiting for you to get home at 10 p.m. That may not jive with an idea of a marriage where both people enjoy dinner together every night.

And what about retirement? If one of you just wants to have a house with lots of land and do a lot of sitting on the porch during retirement, but the other wants to get out and travel, things could get pretty strained with your relationship. If you’re working toward different life goals, it’s hard to work as a team.

4. Are you religious?

While millennials are less religious than older generations, religion can still be a dividing line for couples. This may seem minor while you’re dating, but you may encounter trouble if one person wants to spend Sunday mornings at church while the other sleeps in.

This problem can be compounded if you have children and differing opinions on what kind religious upbringing they should have. These are questions to ask when your religious traditions might be different enough to cause confusion for your future children. You need to be on the same page, and ready to give ground to the convictions of your partner — and your partner should be willing to do the same for you.

Couples who celebrate different religions should also discuss the possibility of conversion. Some partners may assume that their significant other is willing to entertain the idea, even though they may be blissfully wrong. Discussing this beforehand is essential to starting a marriage off on the right foot.

5. What bothers you about me?

In every relationship, there are qualities about your sweetheart that drive you crazy. Sometimes it feels easier to keep those comments to yourself instead of sharing them, but holding back can make you resentful and passive-aggressive.

Ask your partner what bothers you about them and share what you find annoying. The ensuing conversation will show how compatible you are, as well as how you deal with conflict and different expectations.

Asking these questions does not guarantee you’ll stay together forever, but maintaining an open line of communication can ensure a happier, healthier marriage. Talking about the important things is a good habit to cultivate throughout your life. What better time to start than now?

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Do you need your space? Sometimes you might need to live alone, even if it’s more expensive. Read More...

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Zina Kumok

With the cost of rent on a steep incline and the future of the housing market a mystery, many young adults are living with roommates — sometimes multiple — just to make ends meet. While there’s nothing wrong with sharing the burden of rent, this situation has caused many young people to skip out on what used to be seen as a landmark of adulthood: living alone.

As with many luxuries, there’s a time and place for doling out some extra cash in exchange for the privilege of privacy. Read on to find out if you’re the type of person who would benefit from living alone.

When you work from home.

When you work a traditional 9-to-5 job, living with roommates means you only see them a few hours every day. If you’re busy on the weekends, you may hardly ever even cross paths.

But when you work from home, your apartment is not only where you live, it’s where you work. Having roommates can disrupt your work schedule and lead to decreased productivity (and fewer earnings).

This can also apply to someone going to school and managing a full- or part-time job. Noisy roommates can make it harder to concentrate on academics.

When you’re an introvert.

While extroverts get their energy from being around other people, introverts need time alone to recharge and feel like themselves. Having roommates, no matter how quiet, can make it impossible to find enough time to regroup – especially if you have a job that requires you be around people.

There’s no price tag you can put on sanity. If you can afford to live alone and pay your bills, it may be worth the cost.

When you’ve never lived alone before.

While having roommates is a great way to save money, living alone can teach you a variety of life skills you might not learn otherwise.

Most importantly, it can teach you how to solve your own problems. Whether it’s calling the landlord for a leaky faucet or assembling your futon, people living alone for the first time quickly learn to be proactive. It may seem intimidating at first, but taking that kind of ownership of your life is a crucial step on the path to adulthood.

Living alone can also show you how to be alone with your thoughts, how to figure out what you really want and how to motivate yourself. You can find time for hobbies and interests you didn’t know how you had or didn’t have the space to explore with roommates around.

How to make it work.

Find a studio instead of a one-bedroom. Those worried about the cost of living alone should aim to rent a studio instead of a one bedroom. You can save more than $100 per month and will also likely pay less in utilities. A studio also needs less furniture and decorating, so you won’t feel obligated to spend money on making it seem homey.

Live in a less desirable part of town. Everyone wants to be within walking distance of bars, shops and restaurants, but not all of that is feasible if you also want to live alone. You may have to move out to the suburbs or a not-yet-gentrified neighborhood if you want to be by yourself and can’t afford $1,000 on rent.

Give up other luxuries. If you really want to live alone and are worried about your budget, it may be time to rethink what else you’re spending money on. Can you eat out less, find a cheaper grocery store or take public transportation? You may have to cut non-essentials like shopping and going to the movies to make it work if living alone is a top priority.

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How do you know it’s time to move in together? Hint: It’s not because you want to save money. Read More...

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Zina Kumok

Moving in with a significant other is an exciting time. It’s a true embodiment of merging your life with someone else’s, and is often the first stepping stone to a happy, committed long-term relationship.

But all too often, that excitement turns to resentment as bills pile up, cute quirks become annoying habits, and your partner’s propensity to leave dirty dishes in the bathroom leaves you seething with frustration.

How can you avoid that headache? How do you know when it’s the right time?

Talk about moving in together.

Not only is moving in together the most emotional decision you can make in a relationship before marriage, it’s also typically the first foray into talking about finances. Being someone’s roommate means figuring out who sends the rent check and deciding how to split, well, everything. Coming to an agreement on what’s fair is a great first step.

Talk about it in a calm way, respecting what your partner says. If they’re not ready to move in, don’t pressure them. Ask when they might be and resume the talk then. Don’t try to manipulate or entice them. If it’s not a mutual decision that both parties feel comfortable with, it won’t be a desirable living situation for either of you.

It’s never too late to move in together, but it can be too early. Living together means sharing an address, a lease, and a responsibility to each other. Moving in requires giving up some of your independence. Are you ready for that tradeoff?

You might be ready.

Every couple is ready at different times. Review your relationship to decide if you’re ready. Here are some clues:

You don’t feel the need to impress. When your relationships progresses from going out to the bars to staying for a nice dinner, you’re probably ready to move in together. Your relationship should feel comfortable and simple. You’re not worried about seeing each other at your worst and you don’t feel pressured to always make a good impression.
You’ve celebrated at least one anniversary. Moving in quickly doesn’t always signify an immature relationship, but some experts say that the infatuation period can last up to two years. By waiting to move in together, you’ll be more confident in your relationship and able to move forward without worrying about any sudden changes in how you or your partner feel.
When you have similar lifestyles. If you’re dating someone with a similar lifestyle, moving in together might help both of you. If you’re both working 9-5 jobs, one of you can make the coffee in the morning while the other person unloads the dishwasher. Living together should ease the daily slog instead of adding to it.

You aren’t ready.

Just because you think moving in might be nice doesn’t mean it’s a good idea. Here are some red flags that you aren’t ready.

When you move in to save money. There are plenty of reasons to move in together, but saving money isn’t one of them. You don’t want to be tied down to anyone because you can’t afford to live without them. That’s veering dangerously close to codependency. Always make sure you can afford to move out if something goes wrong.
When you haven’t lived on your own before. Before you move in with a partner, it’s a good idea to take some time to live by yourself. If you can’t afford to do that, at least have a roommate who’s not dating you. Living on your own will teach you how to be self-sufficient without having your SO around all the time.
You’re still not over someone else. They say there’s no better way to get past a former relationship than falling into another one, and what better way to fall deeply than moving in with someone? But moving in together is a significant step and it should be treated with consideration, especially if you want to grow and develop the new relationship in a healthy way.

You don’t ever have to jump into anything. Make sure you’re ready before you make your move.

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Do you have a true concept of what is “real” about money after college? Read More...

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Zina Kumok

I had plenty of money in college. I was rolling in it. My parents had given me a credit card so I could charge anything I needed, like groceries, utility bills, oil changes, and more. They paid my rent and didn’t ask questions when I spent more than $250 a month on food.

I worked during college, too – sometimes two jobs at once. Those jobs helped me buy what I wanted (which was a lot). If you’ve ever been to a college town, you know that there’s a plethora of shopping options nearby. Within a five-minute walk, I could access boutiques, vintage shops, and record stores.

If I wanted food, I could get anything delivered. Even if I had a fridge full of groceries, I’d get pizza, pad thai, or fried chicken delivered to my house. In a given month, I’d spend more than $100 on eating out.

I never told myself “no.”

That is, until I graduated.

Welcome to the real world.

The summer following graduation, I had an unpaid internship and a part-time job. For the first time, money was tight. I was paying my own rent that summer and commuting an hour one way (this is back when gas was close to $4 a gallon).

Suddenly, I had to reign in my spending. I said no to going out and shopping. I read blogs about couponing, cooking cheap meals, and getting free stuff.

That summer was a wake-up call. I couldn’t keep spending the same way. When I finally got a full-time job and started being totally responsible for all my bills, I realized how important it was to budget. I was only making about $28,000 a year, and after bills and student loan payments, there was hardly anything left.

Even though my budget was cramped, I decided I wanted to pay off my student loans early. I started tracking every dollar religiously. I was now saving money with the same intensity that I had spent money in college.

I found freebies, coupons, and special deals. I shopped at Aldi — my favorite discount grocery store — and stocked up on the essentials. I avoided eating out and always brought my lunch to work, even when it was Chef Boyardee ravioli.

In 2012, I created my blog to chronicle my debt payoff progress. I wanted to see if I could actually pay off my debt in three years. I thought my blog could serve as inspiration to anyone else trying to do the same thing.

A year after I started my first job after graduation, I got a new job and a small pay raise. When my rent went down, I put the difference toward my loans. Any time my expenses decreased, I just added that money toward my debt.

When my then-boyfriend and I moved with another friend, my rent was cut in half. Again, I put the amount I was saving toward paying down my student loans. That year, half of my paycheck went toward my debt. In November 2014, I made my last student loan payment.

Friends and family members started asking how I paid off my loans so quickly. I directed them to my blog, where I had written about my debt payoff journey. But soon I decided that I wanted to create one simple place where people could go and learn how to pay off their own student loans.

That’s why I created the Student Loan Knockout: A 20-Day Journey to Debt Freedom, my self-paced online course where you can learn the steps I took to become debt free. There are action items for each module and basic steps you can follow. This is not a course for finance experts. It’s for people like you feeling overwhelmed by your student loans and wondering where to turn.

In the real world of money after college, you need to make tough choices and get serious about your budget. Even though the road to debt freedom was filled with sacrifice, being debt free feels sweeter than any shopping spree or take-out meal.

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Afraid to be by yourself? Embrace it! Being alone does not mean being lonely. Read More...

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Zina Kumok

I’ve always been an extrovert. An outgoing, party-loving, talk-to-anyone extrovert. During college, I wanted to hang out with people constantly. Even when I was doing something quiet, like studying, I preferred having a buddy.

That changed when I moved to New York for a summer internship. I lived in the dorms at Columbia University and had roommates, but they were mostly quiet and preferred to stay in.

I learned to love being alone.

It’s not that I had to be alone. I had friends who were in town that summer. At first, we mostly stuck together while exploring the city. Then I started to realize that if I wanted to experience New York on my terms, sometimes I’d have to do it alone.

I started to see weekends as my solo adventure time. I looked through my guidebooks to pick which museum, flea market, or gallery I wanted to visit. Then I’d pack a book and my Metro card and take off. I started saying no to friends asking to hang out. I relished my time alone.

How did this total extrovert learn to love being alone?

Here’s what I did:

Find things that no one else wants to do.

It’s easy to have company when you all want to do the same thing, but sometimes you’re the only one who wants to go see the latest Marvel movie five times in theaters. No matter how self-conscious you feel, force yourself to go.

In New York, I went to movies, restaurants, and concerts by myself. There were times I would have preferred company, but I didn’t want to miss out on experiences because no one else wanted to go. I was forced to learn to love being alone.

There are few things more empowering than taking charge of your own happiness. When you let being alone stop you from doing something, you’re really letting fear take over – the fear of looking awkward, feeling uncomfortable, and worrying what outsiders might think. Doing things by yourself can help you get over that fear.

Make a list of the benefits of being alone.

Sometimes it pays to have a friend or two with you, like if you’re splitting an Uber or walking home after a night out. But other times, having company is a hindrance.

At restaurants, it’s easier to find a table by yourself than as a group. If you’re shopping, you don’t need people to wait with you while you browse and compare two nearly identical pairs of pants.

While living in New York, I learned that I loved being in control of what I was doing. I could take as much or as little time as I wanted. If I hated being somewhere, I could leave and not feel pressured to stay because I was with other people. I could change my plans at the last minute and no one else would be affected.

Bring something else to do.

Every time I do something by myself, I bring a book with me. If I have to wait, it can keep me entertained in a more rewarding way than checking my phone.

For people just starting to do things by themselves, a book can make you feel like you have purpose. You’re reading, not awkwardly people-watching at a new coffee shop. You can also bring a coloring book, a journal to write in, or even your laptop so you can watch Netflix while you hang out.

Having something else to do, like reading, will keep you from feeling like you’re just a loner out in public. When I’m on vacation with my husband, we both bring books to restaurants so we don’t feel pressured to always talk to each other.

The final step to learning to love being alone is to go out and simply try doing something by yourself. I’m still an extrovert who’s always down for “Game of Thrones” watch parties and weekly trivia nights, but I also relish catching up on “Veep” by myself, playing video games alone, and painting watercolors while everyone else is asleep.

I still want to be with friends.

But sometimes I want to be with myself even more.

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If he isn’t all that, do you tell her? Read More...

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Zina Kumok

Supporting your friends can be hard — especially when you think they’re heading down the wrong path. When that path involves a boyfriend you just can’t stand, things get even more complicated.

But like it or not, a friend’s relationship decisions are theirs alone to make. The only role you should be regularly taking in a friend’s romantic life is that of a supportive confidant. If only it were that easy.

Once it’s clear the new guy is here to stay, though, it becomes an issue of adapting or losing the friendship. So how can you ditch the negativity?

Hang out with his friends.

Meeting your significant other’s friends can be nerve wracking. Consider the possibility that your friend’s boyfriend is so nervous about hanging out with you that he comes across as aloof or arrogant when he’s really just anxious.

Try seeing him in a setting with his own friends, where he’ll be more likely to relax and be himself. If you want to learn what makes someone likable, there’s no better way than to observe them in a situation where they’re surrounded by loved ones.

My parents have a friend who went on a first date with a man she didn’t really like. He ended up convincing her to go out a second time to a party his friends were having. She says she liked all his friends so much, she figured he couldn’t be that bad. They went out again.

They’ve been married for 25 years now.

Examine your own feelings.

Disliking someone’s boyfriend can be a self-fulfilling prophecy. Everything he does turns into one more reason he’s not the right guy for your friend.

But what if the real reasons you don’t like him have more to do with you than him?

It’s easy to feel jealous and resentful of a friend in the middle of a new relationship if you’ve been single for a while. You might even start comparing yourself to her, wondering why you’re single and she’s not.

Or maybe you’re upset that she’s spending more time with him than with you, and that their dates are now cutting into the nights you used to spend together. That jealousy is a common sentiment, but it never leads anywhere worthwhile.

Dig deep into your own feelings and ask yourself: do you dislike the guy or the idea of him? It can be difficult to realize you’ve been acting petty and unsupportive of your friend’s happiness, but it’s better than continuing to hate someone for no reason.

Don’t tell her.

Unless your friend is being abused in any way, there’s likely no need to tell her what you think. She might already have a sense of how you feel, and if you do tell her, you’ll only risk driving a wedge between the two of you.

It’s hard to be quiet if you think your friend is dating someone below her standards. but you never know what happens behind closed doors. I’ve had plenty of friends whose boyfriends I didn’t like, only to come around on them at some point when I got the full story.

You also want to make sure if your friend does run into problems, she won’t hesitate to turn to you for help or advice. If you’ve been constantly negative about their relationship, they may avoid reaching out in fear of an “I told you so” moment.

At the end of the day, your personal feelings about a close friend’s significant other are just that — your feelings. Yours to know, yours to understand and yours to deal with. So deal with it.

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Don’t be afraid of getting old. I don’t even care about having bigger boobs now. Life is better! Read More...

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Zina Kumok

When I flip through my monthly stack of women’s magazines, I see the same message over and over again: aging is bad. You should try to stop it, prevent it and reverse it. And here’s how you can do it.

But I’ve recently realized that I actually love aging.

Let me first point out that I’m only 27, so my experience with getting older is limited. But after the turmoil of my immediate post-college years, getting older has been awesome.

Every year seems to get better. I get more financially stable, my husband and I get along better, even the furniture and clothes I have slowly get upgraded.

But it’s less about material stability and more about how secure I feel in my own skin. The older I get, the less I care what people think about me or what I look like.

In high school and college, I really wanted bigger boobs. Because, really, what girl with a B cup didn’t?

Recently a friend told me how she went on a certain medication that amplified her rack. I told her jokingly, “Oh, I’d hate to buy new bras all over again.” But truthfully, I don’t want a bigger rack. I’m comfortable with what I have, and it’s taken me years to get to this point.

I also have spent the majority of my life hating my pale white skin. I was teased for looking like a vampire or a ghost, and I’ve always been jealous of those with natural tans. But after getting the worst sunburn of my life a few weeks ago, I realized how much I liked my ivory skin. Tan skin looks great on other people, but on me, it looked like mud I couldn’t wipe off.

The things I cared about, even a few years ago, seem petty now. Who cares if I don’t have a perfect flat stomach? That doesn’t mean I shouldn’t wear a bikini and feel good about it. Why should I worry about wearing my husband’s PJs to the grocery store?

My priorities seem clearer with age. While I still want people to like me, I’ve started to worry less if they don’t. I can’t make everyone happy and I shouldn’t spend my time trying. I feel less of a desire to badmouth and judge other women. The more comfortable I feel with myself, the less I’m threatened by other people.

I see how happy, successful and comfortable my older relatives are. My mom has always been secure with herself, but now I truly realize that she DGAF. I see other women I admire who embrace their age, but continue to be active physically and mentally. They don’t see their age as a hindrance, and that inspires me to keep trying new things and getting better.

While many of my peers see their 30s as deadline that they hope to avoid, I’m looking forward to them. Granted, I miss being able to stay up until 4:00 a.m. and get up at 9:00, but I don’t miss wanting to be like every other girl I knew. I miss the lack of bills that I had in high school, but don’t miss constantly worrying about boys who didn’t care about me.

One of my favorite movies, “Moscow Doesn’t Believe in Tears,” tells the story of three best friends. The first half of the movie follows them for one year in their 20s. The main character meets a man who tells her that life really begins at 40. “40?” she tells me. “I’ll be an old lady by then.”

The second half of the movie sees where they are 20 years later, as the main character finds out, even at 40, it’s never too late to start a new life.

I would always joke with my parents that if life began at 40, then they were just toddlers. But now I see that life, love and self-awareness all get better with age. And I’m looking forward to mine.

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If you MUST lend money to friends and family, try to keep these 7 essential tips in mind. Read More...

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Zina Kumok

The common advice about lending money to friends and family is pretty straightforward: don’t do it. It’s generally said that if you’re going to give away money to the people you care about, it should be in the form of a gift. The expectation of repayment can lead to resentment, guilt and the general dissolution of relationships — so why expect anything at all?

But unfortunately, real life isn’t always so straightforward. Sometimes a friend or family member desperately needs financial assistance, and the amount they need is just too much to part with permanently. It may not be an ideal situation, but it’s common enough to warrant discussion.

So how do you go through the fire of money lending and come out the other side with your relationships still intact?

1. Don’t let it affect your credit. It’s one thing to loan your sister $500, but it’s another to cosign on her car loan. Cosigning means you could become responsible for her debt if she fails to pay it. No matter how much you trust someone, this is a huge risk to take — especially if you can’t afford to pay off a $20,000 Toyota. Your credit score can also take a hit if they fail to make their payments in a timely fashion.

2. Write it down. Miscommunication can turn a friendly loan into a relationship killer. What your brother considers to be timely repayment could be completely different from the time frame you’re expecting to wait. That’s why it helps to write the details out, so everyone is clear about the terms of the loan. You can also set up late fees so they have incentive to pay you back on time instead of a few days after the fact.

3. Keep a record of the repayment. If your friend or family member sets up a repayment schedule with you, find an online method to track how they’re paying you back. Splitwise is a great option, but there are plenty of other sharing and debt tracking services. This way, there’s concrete proof that each payment has been made. This is easier than getting separate checks in the mail or random amounts of cash.

4. Find out what the loan is for. Just like a bank wouldn’t loan you money without a stated purpose, don’t give your loved one money just because they ask for it. Maybe they want money to invest in what seems like a scam or a legitimate business venture – you won’t know until you find out. Plus, if they have to explain their reason to you, it may help them come to a better understanding of how reasonable their request is.

5. Discuss it with your partner. If you share finances with someone else, you should get their approval before you lend someone else money. Being on the same page will ensure that you don’t ruin your relationship with them as well as the person you’re lending money to.

6. Let them know they can talk to you. If you set a hard deadline and your friend can’t come up with the money by then, they may feel too embarrassed to talk to you about it. Don’t be a pushover, but let them know you’ll be flexible. This can make it easier to preserve your relationship, and your friend or family member won’t feel the need to give you the silent treatment out of embarrassment or fear.

7. Don’t turn the loan into a gift. While there are exceptions to this rule, you generally don’t want to change the nature of the transaction after the details are set. It may be preferable to give a gift rather than a loan, but voiding your right to repayment after the loan has been given can make you look like a pushover — and could lead to you resenting the person you’re giving the money to. No matter what you do, make sure your decision isn’t heavily influenced by a pushy friend or relative.

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Anxiety still carries plenty of stigma. Have you ever wondered what anxiety feels like? Here’s what might help. Read More...

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Editor’s note: Whether you have anxiety or you have a close friend who has anxiety, it’s good to understand what other people may be experiencing. Part of successful adulting is communication and empathy, and reading or hearing what someone may be going through is helpful in that respect, and will help grow stronger relationships.

In the old days, the days of your parents, they just called you nervous. If you were on edge, it was your nerves. If you had a particularly bad episode, they would say you had a nervous breakdown. People went their entire lives without knowing the actual cause of that nervousness: anxiety.

Thankfully anxiety is better understood today, and for good reason: it’s one of the most common mental health disorders on the planet. According to The New York Times, it’s now more common among college students than depression. No matter who you are, you or someone close to you has probably been affected by anxiety.

But despite its ubiquity, anxiety is still misrepresented and misunderstood. It’s a difficult disorder to describe, and as such you’ll still hear it referred to as “nerves” or “stress.” Those terms aren’t completely off the mark, but they lack the nuance to truly explain just what it actually feels like to have anxiety.

How does it feel?

I didn’t realize I had anxiety until my senior year of college. I was often stressed and anxious, but so was every Type A student managing a full course load and extracurricular activities. I’d known since high school that I frequently got stomach problems if I started getting nervous or upset, mostly due to my irritable bowel syndrome, but I never considered that the nervousness itself was a symptom.

When I heard someone describe the symptoms of anxiety, I recognized them immediately. Anxiety is about feeling overly nervous or worried with no reason to be. It’s about perceiving every minor slight or incident and worrying about it incessantly.

Living with anxiety is like having the most pessimistic devil on your shoulder. When I lose a client, anxiety tells me that I’m not cut out to be a freelance writer. When I forget a friend’s birthday, anxiety tells me that this is why I struggle to keep friends. Anxiety is a straight-up bitch.

I spent years with different therapists learning about cognitive behavioral therapy and how, even though I couldn’t cure my anxiety, I could learn how to recognize when it was affecting me.

What helps?

One of the best strategies my therapist taught me was how to challenge the anxious thoughts in my head. There are many ways anxiety can manifest itself, but thankfully there are just as many ways to combat it.

She gave me this worksheet where I could list the anxious thoughts I was having, why I was having them, and a more rational scenario. For example, if I was anxious about not hearing back from an editor and assuming that he didn’t like my latest article, the worksheet could help me realize that he likely hadn’t taken the time to read it yet.

What helped even more was taking medication, a solution I resisted for years. It’s one thing to go to therapy, but I was convinced pills were only for people who were “broken.” Even when my equally prescription-dubious husband suggested it, I resisted. I was worried I wouldn’t feel like me anymore. I was also worried that if my anxiety did improve, it would be because of the pills and not anything I accomplished

After consulting with a good friend who takes anxiety medication, I finally talked to my doctor. After one day’s dose, I felt significantly better. Suddenly I wasn’t as anxious on a regular basis, and when I was, I could handle it.

I compare anxiety to driving on the highway in the dark with traffic cones everywhere. Anxiety medication can remove the cones and make it easier to drive, but you’re still in charge of the car.

I know there’s plenty of stigma about anxiety and medication. When I texted my mom that I was getting a prescription, she left two voicemails. I told my dad in person, and he got very quiet — a rare feat, if you know my father. Society is still coming around to mental health medication, but to me it’s like taking medication for high blood pressure or cholesterol.

The more I talk about it openly, the more I find out how many people I know that are medicated. Like anything, the more we share, the more we realize how similar we are.

Do you have anxiety? Does a close friend? Share your experiences — you might help someone.

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Can you survive a long-distance relationship? It can be difficult but rewarding, especially if you follow these tips to strengthen it. Read More...

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Zina Kumok

Even though it’s been years since my husband and I lived in separate cities, I can still feel the aching feeling I had every time we said goodbye. The reunions were so sweet, but the departures felt as if we were breaking up.

Surviving a long-distance relationship can be an indicator of a good relationship, but it can also teach you things you didn’t know about yourself. It’s a learning process for your partnership.

Want to know how to make it through together?

Give each other space.

This probably seems crazy. “Give each other space?” you’re probably thinking. “But we’re already apart.”

When you’re in a long-distance relationship, the impulse to stay constantly connected is strong. But that can make you crazy and drive your partner away.

This is the best time to learn how to respect each other’s boundaries before you’re sharing a space. Don’t text, email, or call constantly. Set a schedule so that the other person can still have a normal life without worrying that they’re not getting back to you.

“Leaning on your partner too much is bad to begin with, but is multiplied when you have limited contact with each other,” my sister-in-law Kim L. said. Kim spent a year apart from her boyfriend after college.

Find shared interests.

While you’re apart, it can be hard to find things to talk about. The usual “how’s your day” conversations grow stale in the face of distance.

“After two weeks of being apart, it can be hard to find things to talk about on the phone — we just want to see each other again,” said my friend Brad Z., who spent months studying abroad in South Africa while his girlfriend was in the States.

That’s why it helps to do things together. That can be going to see the same movie when it opens, even if you’re in different cities. It can be sending articles the other person might like or listening to a new album and discussing it.

Constantly reminding the other person that you miss them makes for a boring conversation after a few weeks.

Make a life for yourself.

Instead of being sad that you’re apart from your partner, focus on what you can do by yourself. A friend of mine joked that she always got more studying done when her boyfriend was away. I used my time to watch “The Golden Girls” non-stop and spend as much as I wanted in antique bookstores and beauty stores.

“I wish I could go back and tell myself that it would be over soon and to enjoy Arizona rather than come home every night and remind myself how many days were left until it was over,” said my friend Audrie O., who spent a summer apart from her now-husband on an internship.

Finding your own network is also crucial if you’re an extrovert. Relying on one person for companionship is always bad, but it’s even worse if that person doesn’t live near you.

If you’re an introvert, use this time to recharge and focus on cultivating your hobbies and passions.

The good news is research shows that couples in long-distance relationships learn to communicate better than couples who aren’t. They also foster more trust, better discussions and greater intimacy.

“The distance forces you to focus on your friendship and your communication with the other person,” said my friend Joe R., who spent years in a long-distance relationship. “I think that these things lead to long-term success, because they kick in when the excitement and the newness of the relationship starts to fade.”

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