Can’t we all just get along? Unfortunately, with family, this isn’t always what happens. Here’s what you need to know about managing conflicts with family. Read More...
The holiday season just ended. How did you survive?
Many families dread the holidays because of family disagreements. These past holidays might have been especially trying, thanks to the election.
And, even though you’ve navigated the holidays, there’s a good chance you still need to see family members at a major gathering. Sunday dinner? Grandma’s 80th birthday party? A family reunion in the summer?
At some point you’re going to have more conflicts with family. This episode will help you get through it.
Concepts
How emotion and identity impact the way we talk about difficult subjects.
The difficulty of seeing family when you spend more time with friends who might agree with you more.
Concerns about how “being right” and a “team” mentality can make it hard to talk about thorny issues.
Ideas for defusing a difficult “conflicts with family” situation when it arises.
The importance of avoiding big discussions on social media.
The reality of our interconnected world and how it contributes to conflicts with family.
Listen to our “do nows” for ideas on what you can do to take action to avoid or help defuse conflicts with family. We also answer a listener question about religious tensions in family settings.
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There’s nothing quite so disorienting as fighting with someone you love.
It’s easy to imagine a civil disagreement in the abstract, but actually remaining calm and collected in the heat of the moment is a tall order.
Even the best relationships break down under the weight of petty disagreements. No matter if everything else about a partnership is in good shape, communicating poorly during a fight is a recipe for disaster. Navigating conflict is just part of the deal when you decide to link your life with someone else.
As obvious as that might sound, it’s an issue that multitudes of people struggle with.
How can you fight fair while still asserting yourself?
Stay on message.
Getting off track is easy during an argument. Emotions are running high, and it’s easy to start bringing up every single thing your partner has done wrong. Don’t.
You shouldn’t pile on during a disagreement. Stick to the discussion at hand no matter how mad you feel, and try to encourage your partner to do the same.
Bringing up past issues only derails the conversation and makes it harder to move forward. It also creates an element of distrust, a seed that can destroy even the strongest relationship. If your partner feels you can’t truly forgive them for something they’ve done, how can they trust you going forward?
Keep your emotions in check.
The more you restrain yourself during an argument the less work it will take to mend hurt feelings. It’s never ok to name-call, yell, or throw things at your partner.
Part of loving someone is being respectful at all times – especially when you’re fighting.
Keep your guilt and shame in check. If the argument is about something you did, don’t let self-pity take over. Negative thoughts only make you feel worse about yourself, which isn’t a productive attitude to have during a fight.
The argument or discussion you’re having is a separate incident. It shouldn’t represent you or your partner as a whole. Learn to understand the difference and you’ll feel better when disagreements crop up and be better equipped to fight fair.
If you feel emotional, it’s ok to ask for a few minutes to cool down. Write down your thoughts in a journal or take deep breaths can help you decompress, especially if you’re feeling overwhelmed. Taking time to settle down can be the difference between a fight that’s resolved quickly and one that drags on for days.
Assume the best.
Often, disagreements start because one person makes an unfair assumption about their partner. For example, an old boss of mine told me how every morning his partner left his dresser drawers open. It drove him crazy that his partner couldn’t bother to do something so simple.
He mentioned it once in passing, and his partner said he didn’t close them because he was worried the noise from the squeaky drawers would wake him up. It turns out that when he thought his partner was being lazy, he was actually being considerate.
Even if you’re sure your partner did something wrong, start the conversation with a non-accusatory tone. You might be pleasantly surprised at the outcome. Plus, your partner will appreciate you giving them the benefit of the doubt instead of assuming the worst.
Put yourself in your partner’s shoes.
Feeling defensive and ego-driven is normal during an argument, but it can hinder real resolution. Instead of trying to defend your actions, try to understand your partner’s perspective. This is essential if you want to fight fair.
For example, if you promised to register the car, forgot, and your partner ended up getting a ticket, imagine what he or she is thinking. They might be wondering if you’re truly dependable, and whether or not they can count on you when it matters.
Now imagine you’re on the other end of that argument. Maybe your partner was swamped with work, and registering the car got lost in the shuffle of appointments and assignments. Maybe they misunderstood who was responsible for getting it done.
Being more considerate of your partner during a conflict will only lead to a stronger connection and clearer communication. Plus, embracing someone else’s perspective will make you more humble.
Own your actions.
One of the best ways to resolve an argument quickly is to recognize when you’ve done something wrong – instead of trying to deflect blame and criticism.
The quicker you own up to what you did, whether it’s burning the cookies or forgetting to walk the dogs, the better off you’ll be. Fighting fair involves being humble in the face of your mistakes.
Consider going to a couple’s therapist if you or your spouse are having trouble understanding or following these guidelines. An objective third party might help you see your communication problems and figure out how to argue more productively.
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It’s time to dive deep. Can you have a major discussion without major drama? Read More...
At some point in a relationship, you move beyond the excitement of starting something new and into the reality that you might be “serious.”
When things get serious with your S.O., it’s time to discuss what’s important to you. It’s no fun to get deep into a committed relationship and realize that none of the most important things in your life line up with what your partner wants.
From kids to money to sex to values to priorities to religion, you should know what the other person wants — and you should know whether or not those important things are dealbreakers for you.
What matters to you?
Before you start grilling your SO about what’s important, you should have a good idea of what matters to you. I was young enough when I married that I hadn’t seriously thought about some issues. I was following a script, and even though there were a few things I knew about myself, I didn’t really know myself.
Later, when things bugged me, I didn’t know how to articulate them in a healthy way because I wasn’t entirely sure about who I was or what I really wanted. (That’s part of what happens when you follow someone else’s script.)
Before you start probing someone else, examine yourself. Learn who you are, and know what you love about yourself. Once you are clear about who you are and what you value, and what matters most to you, it’s time to discuss the Big Things with your S.O.
Don’t be judgy.
We all like our way best. However, not everyone is the same. Don’t be judgy if your partner prefers to stay at home instead of traveling somewhere new. And what happens if your S.O. doesn’t want kids? That’s not an invitation to assume some sort of emotional (or other) deficiency.
If you’re going to get deep and discuss what’s important with your partner, you need to ensure that you are both in a safe space. That means you accept that your partner’s values and priorities might be a little different than yours. And you don’t get personal about it.
And you don’t get personal about it. Wanting different things, to a different degree, doesn’t make someone bad or wrong. When discussing what matters, remember that you want a measure of grace for your own views. Respect is essential in any relationship. If you can’t discuss these hard, vital issues with respect, that’s a relationship red flag right there.
How much do you already know?
In many cases, you might already have a pretty good idea of where your partner stands on a lot of issues. You might have already discussed politics or you might be open about sex. Perhaps you’ve attended church with your SO or you can see how s/he spends (or doesn’t) money.
Pay attention. As your relationship develops, there are some things that become fairly obvious. You can even make a small comment if you want to start a deeper discussion:
“I love that you call your mom once a week. Family seems important to you. How often do you go for a visit?”
“You are so great with my nephew. Do you think you want kids at some point?”
“You seem really busy with the Bushwackers. I can tell that you are passionate about volunteering. What are some of your favorite causes?”
“I feel a little cash-strapped right now. What’s your favorite frugal activity?”
These are all ways you can ease into a conversation about the things that matter most in your life. A small observation can turn into a great discussion about what you hope for in life, as well as what matters to you right now.
You want to discuss what’s important with your SO because you want a good feel for whether or not you really can be true partners with this person you’re getting serious about. In some cases, with some things that might be less important, a relationship is about compromise. You’ll always need to do a little of that.
In some cases, with some things that might be less important, a relationship is about compromise. You’ll always need to do a little of that. It’s the way it is when you commit to share your life with someone.
When is it time to gtfo?
However, there are some BIG issues that aren’t ready-made for compromise or long-term partnership. You and your S.O. might agree that saving for retirement is vital, but what if you have fundamental disagreements over what that retirement should look like? It doesn’t do much good to save for retirement together if one of you plans to sell the house and travel the world while the other is excited to have the mortgage paid off so s/he can settle down “rent free” and be a homebody.
And very few relationships have solid staying power when one person wants lots of children while the other isn’t even sure if one is a good idea. These are the kinds of fundamental differences that lead to resentment in a relationship. You’re better off breaking it off for both your sakes than trying to make it work in the name of preserving passion.
What do you think? What are some of the dealbreakers in your relationships? And how do you talk about them with your SO?
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Just started a new relationship? Here’s how to tell if it’s already over. Read More...
As humans, we have a tendency to seek out relationships. This is especially true when it comes to romantic relationships. If you’ve just got out of one relationship you might be ready for something new.
Don’t just jump in, though. You don’t want your next relationship to crash and burn. Here are some red flags that might indicate that your next relationship is doomed:
You’re not comfortable with yourself.
If you don’t like yourself, there is a good chance that your next relationship will fail. Even if it doesn’t, it might not be a healthy relationship to be in.
Before you heat things up, make sure that you love yourself. Even though I have been dating a little bit recently, I’m not sure I’m actually ready for a new relationship.
I actually enjoy being alone with myself and getting to know who I am again. Before you embark on a new relationship adventure, Make sure you’re comfortable with yourself and that you like yourself for who you are. When You have those good feelings about yourself, and that confidence, you are more likely to find someone who respects and loves you for who you are.
You play games in a relationship.
Anytime there is game playing involved in a relationship, that’s a red flag. It can be fun to play games and it can make you feel good about your power.
Unfortunately, you make a relationship about power and games and who has the upper hand, there is a good chance that relationship won’t last very long.
Stop worrying so much about when it’s okay to call back and agonizing over how to construct every text. Be real and genuine and stay away from someone who is playing games with you.
You demand proof of love.
Many of us grew up on those princess movies that show the guy engaging in some huge attempts to prove his love. We’ve also seen these kinds of gestures from women trying to show men how much they are in love.
When you demand a proof of love that is extravagant or out of the ordinary, that’s a sure fire sign for a huge fail. There’s nothing wrong was wanting to do something big with your SO, for trying to surprise him or her. But when the relationship becomes more about the stuff and the surprise than it is about the little things that you do together every day, and the little things you love about your partner, that’s a big problem.
You never disagree.
There is no way that you will always agree with someone all the time. In fact, if you always agree on everything all the time that’s a pretty good sign that someone isn’t being totally honest.
If you don’t disagree ever, you might find out down the road that you have very different ideas of what you want the relationship to be. Additionally, you might be surprised to discover that your SO has some pretty strong feelings that they never told you about in the interest of avoiding confrontation.
Healthy disagreement and an understanding of how to overcome these disagreements and compromise our parts have a good relationship. If you want to have a relationship that lasts, you need to figure out where your disagreements are, and learn how to work through them in a healthy manner.
You don’t agree on the big stuff.
While it’s true that you’re going to have some disagreements about some things, the really big red flag is if you have disagreements about some of the big core value things that you believe.
It’s one thing to disagree about what movie you want to watch on a Friday night or to have slightly different hobbies. In fact, having some different hobbies and a little bit of alone time can be good for relationship. The trouble comes in when you disagree about major issues and fundamental values.
I already know to avoid any online dating profile that says he is looking for more children. I don’t want more kids, so hooking up with someone who does makes no sense in my situation. Other fundamental differences that can impact your relationship might include how you handle money, your basic feelings of ethics and morality, and maybe even your religion.
Some of these big things can be worked out to compromise. I know plenty of Democrats and Republicans that are married to each other and somehow it works. There’re also plenty of mixed faith relationships that aren’t problematic. (Although this can change when kids come along.)
When you have fundamental disagreements about life and values those are very hard to overcome. If you find yourself realizing that you don’t want the same thing in the long-term, that’s a sure sign that your relationship is going to fizzle out at some point.
Before you start your next relationship, or if you’re in the early stages of a new relationship, double-check the situation. You don’t want to end up crashing and burning is starting to process all over again because you didn’t heed the warning signs.
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You know your relationship is on point if these 20 traits describe you. If not, at least you’ll know what to do. Read More...
I’ve had some of the best relationships, but I’ve also had a few where the best thing I could say is that they were learning experiences.
Here’s what I’ve learned. I’ve identified twenty healthy behaviors that show you are doing what it takes to give yourself the best chance of having a long-lasting, loving relationship with your person.
If the following describes you, you’re doing your part to make a thing go right. It takes two, however, to make it out of sight. Not only should you let these suggestions lead your approach to your relationship, but your s.o. should, too.
Hit it.
1. You bring to the table everything you want in a partner.
Whether it’s education, healthy living, or ambition, if there’s a trait you feel is important in your partner, be sure you’re your own great example. What are you doing to work on being the ideal partner for someone like you?
2. You argue about which one of you is the luckiest.
I am! No, I am! It’s more than just playing the humble lover. There’s some truth to that every relationship is made up of one settler and one reacher, but if you disagree and each honestly think you’re the reacher and the other is the settler, you are able to see the best in each other.
3. You always love the idea of sex.
That isn’t to say you are always in the mood to be physically intimate or that you will do what your partner wants at any time, but you always look forward to the next chance you have to hook up. And when you do, it’s a-ma-zing.
4. You talk excitedly about your goals and listen to your partner’s goals.
You have your own wishes and dreams, and you have desires together as a couple. You may not have identical goals, but they are compatible. You even give your partner the chance to change goals and paths. When you pay attention, you can support your partner as they move towards their goal and travel forward together.
5. You can handle time apart.
When you’re comfortable not being attached at the hip, when you know your partner can be away from you without making you nervous or jealous, you show that you are self-confident. Time apart is an essential piece of a healthy relationship, and if you can allow this to happen without the need to check up every five minutes, you’re in good shape.
6. Your friends and family like you together.
The people outside of your relationship who know you the best have great insight into what kind of partner you need. As long as they’re not clouded by their own issues like jealousy, you can trust your friends and family, especially if their opinions ring true. But haters gonna hate, sometimes, so you always do what’s best for you.
7. You show patience and kindness with your s.o.
You can’t control your partner’s behavior or emotions, so when a situation doesn’t go the way you’d like, you react with understanding and love. Mistakes happen, so patience and kindness allows your partner to be comfortable when communicating, and you don’t force them to be defensive.
8. You have matching sets of baggage.
It’s too much to expect that your partner doesn’t have a past. We all have baggage, issues that we have to deal with. Your partner’s baggage should go with yours, but that doesn’t mean you have to have identical history.
9. You’re not waiting for something that would improve the relationship.
The struggle is real. If you’re waiting until your partner gets a job with the hope that will fix all your problems, you could be putting too much faith in the future. If you’re making it work regardless of money, addiction, or bad behavior today, you’ll be that much stronger when things get better, but if you’re having difficulty now, things might not improve if the situation itself ever improves.
10. You don’t keep score or count relationship points.
You know your relationship isn’t a game you’re trying to win. Your partner doesn’t owe you favors when you do what you feel is a favor for them. You’re not trying to prove you love your partner more than they love you.
11. You don’t make your partner feel they’re not good enough.
Emotional manipulation is the quickest way to a toxic relationship. You don’t make yourself feel better by knocking your partner down.
12. You don’t try to change your partner.
You may feel you’d like your significant other to be just a little bit more understanding, more attentive, more ambitious. And you support your partner when they try, but you don’t try to force them into being something that you feel is the ideal lover.
13. You don’t get jealous when other people flirt with your partner.
You are self-confident, so you don’t need to compete for your lover’s attention when it’s important, and you don’t have to feel threatened. Be thankful others recognize your partner’s attractive qualities, but be satisfied they are choosing you every day.
14. You put away distractions when you’re with your partner.
Not every minute you’re with your partner needs to be fully engaging. You can both sit on the bed reading independently; you can be in separate rooms working. But when you are engaged with each other, you give your partner 100 percent of your attention. Put down the smartphone.
15. You ask about your partner’s day and listen before talking about yours.
You can’t wait to tell your partner about your day. Sometimes you have something you need to share. It’s hard to conceal that excitement, and you don’t have to. But you should balance your enthusiasm for telling your own story with being excited about what your partner has to share.
16. You communicate at a higher level.
When you’re totally in sync, you communicate in ways others can’t even detect. Just a look indicates it’s time to leave the party and move to a more intimate setting. Mind reading is an illusion, but this is how it works.
17. You take your happiness into your own hands.
You’re not waiting for your partner to “make” you happy. Happiness in a relationship is a choice that you make. And if you’re not happy, you know you’re the only one to blame. No one else is responsible for your decision to be happy.
18. You treat your partner like your best friend.
You are supportive, reliable, and you look past your partner’s flaws. You forgive, because you know the relationship is worth maintaining.
19. You imagine life from your partner’s perspective.
Putting yourself in their shoes is the first path towards showing empathy for the person you love. You better understand your partner’s actions and feelings because you practice empathy, and because of this, you can better predict their future behavior. Empathy is a mind-reading superpower.
20. You don’t need to prove to others just how good your relationship is.
When you’re proud of your partner, it’s natural to want to brag and show off. I’m surprised that we don’t see more “my boyfriend is smart, hot, and successful” bumper stickers than we see “my kid is an honor student” stickers. But you don’t seek the approvals of “friends” on social media because you’re self-confident and couple-confident.
Don’t see many things on this list to apply to you? Start to think of this article as a road map — your GPS to a relationship that’s on point, or a daily reminder to bring a new relationship into your life, if it is that you seek.
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