Category: Relationships

It’s time to dive deep. Can you have a major discussion without major drama? Read More...

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Miranda Marquit

At some point in a relationship, you move beyond the excitement of starting something new and into the reality that you might be “serious.”

When things get serious with your S.O., it’s time to discuss what’s important to you. It’s no fun to get deep into a committed relationship and realize that none of the most important things in your life line up with what your partner wants.

From kids to money to sex to values to priorities to religion, you should know what the other person wants — and you should know whether or not those important things are dealbreakers for you.

What matters to you?

Before you start grilling your SO about what’s important, you should have a good idea of what matters to you. I was young enough when I married that I hadn’t seriously thought about some issues. I was following a script, and even though there were a few things I knew about myself, I didn’t really know myself.

Later, when things bugged me, I didn’t know how to articulate them in a healthy way because I wasn’t entirely sure about who I was or what I really wanted. (That’s part of what happens when you follow someone else’s script.)

Before you start probing someone else, examine yourself. Learn who you are, and know what you love about yourself. Once you are clear about who you are and what you value, and what matters most to you, it’s time to discuss the Big Things with your S.O.

Don’t be judgy.

We all like our way best. However, not everyone is the same. Don’t be judgy if your partner prefers to stay at home instead of traveling somewhere new. And what happens if your S.O. doesn’t want kids? That’s not an invitation to assume some sort of emotional (or other) deficiency.

If you’re going to get deep and discuss what’s important with your partner, you need to ensure that you are both in a safe space. That means you accept that your partner’s values and priorities might be a little different than yours. And you don’t get personal about it.

And you don’t get personal about it. Wanting different things, to a different degree, doesn’t make someone bad or wrong. When discussing what matters, remember that you want a measure of grace for your own views. Respect is essential in any relationship. If you can’t discuss these hard, vital issues with respect, that’s a relationship red flag right there.

How much do you already know?

In many cases, you might already have a pretty good idea of where your partner stands on a lot of issues. You might have already discussed politics or you might be open about sex. Perhaps you’ve attended church with your SO or you can see how s/he spends (or doesn’t) money.

Pay attention. As your relationship develops, there are some things that become fairly obvious. You can even make a small comment if you want to start a deeper discussion:

  • “I love that you call your mom once a week. Family seems important to you. How often do you go for a visit?”
  • “You are so great with my nephew. Do you think you want kids at some point?”
  • “You seem really busy with the Bushwackers. I can tell that you are passionate about volunteering. What are some of your favorite causes?”
  • “I feel a little cash-strapped right now. What’s your favorite frugal activity?”

These are all ways you can ease into a conversation about the things that matter most in your life. A small observation can turn into a great discussion about what you hope for in life, as well as what matters to you right now.

You want to discuss what’s important with your SO because you want a good feel for whether or not you really can be true partners with this person you’re getting serious about. In some cases, with some things that might be less important, a relationship is about compromise. You’ll always need to do a little of that.

In some cases, with some things that might be less important, a relationship is about compromise. You’ll always need to do a little of that. It’s the way it is when you commit to share your life with someone.

When is it time to gtfo?

However, there are some BIG issues that aren’t ready-made for compromise or long-term partnership. You and your S.O. might agree that saving for retirement is vital, but what if you have fundamental disagreements over what that retirement should look like? It doesn’t do much good to save for retirement together if one of you plans to sell the house and travel the world while the other is excited to have the mortgage paid off so s/he can settle down “rent free” and be a homebody.

And very few relationships have solid staying power when one person wants lots of children while the other isn’t even sure if one is a good idea. These are the kinds of fundamental differences that lead to resentment in a relationship. You’re better off breaking it off for both your sakes than trying to make it work in the name of preserving passion.

What do you think? What are some of the dealbreakers in your relationships? And how do you talk about them with your SO?

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Recently married? Here’s something you’re probably tired of hearing. Read More...

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Sandy Smith

Last year, I had the bright idea of getting married on Cinco de Mayo; that’s the fifth of May for the uneducated. It was the culmination of a 20-year-long relationship that began in high school. It’s been almost a full year since us two crazy not-so-young-anymore kids tied the knot, and you know what’s happened in that year? 

I’ve come to the realization that just about everyone on Earth has apparently chipped in on the cost of my uterus.

Not one single month has passed by that someone hasn’t asked me, “When are you guys having a baby?” As if I had somehow promised at the altar to spit out progeny as soon as a ring hit my finger and we hit the marriage bed. Apparently, there’s some part of the marriage contract that I must have looked over when I signed the dotted line. People want to know “why don’t you have kids already?” the moment your honeymoon is over.

I never knew that my body housed a communal uterus but, since I’m the only one who apparently didn’t know, let me tell you why it’s been so long in coming, this second appearance of our apparent Messiah who will spring forth from my unyielding womb.

Related: Delayed parenthood.

Putting off marriage and kids: it’s not the end of the world.

Admittedly, I’m a little long in the tooth for marriage. Everyone has been keen to make me feel like 37 is the new 47, so, thank you for that. I guess I shouldn’t be surprised at the number of people (perfect strangers included) who have given us the third degree over this subject over and over again — always unsolicited.

I’ve sincerely thought that no one has ever wondered how I successfully made it to the ripe old age of 37 in my woefully childless state. I avoided teenage pregnancy, skirted pregnancy in my twenties, and successfully navigated my thirties in a childless manner without having, I don’t know, a fist full of birth control and an actual plan in place.

I always want to ask people what they’re thinking when they ask me, “Why don’t you have kids yet?” 

I plaster on a fake smile, all while mentally cursing out the nosey bastard in front of me, and think: What if I can’t have kids? What if we’re suffering from infertility?  What if, like countless other women and couples in their thirties we’ve tried and failed? What if we’re in the process of trying to have kids, but it just hasn’t worked yet? 

What if, every single time you or anyone for that matter, decides to stink up the joint with your verbal diarrhea by asking me that same stupid ass question, or if you decide to point out how old I am, or if you refer to my dog as the only kid I’ll ever have, or say, out loud, that our lifestyle is just not cut out for kids, you are slowly twisting a very painful dagger over and over and over and over again at the center of deeply-rooted pain for us?

What if, with your innocent, well-meaning question, you make me want to strangle you every time your eyeballs move towards my stomach region? What if, you insensitive bastard, it’s none of your goddamn business?

The next time one of you asks me that question, I might just tell you to shut the hell up or I might just turn the tables and ask you why you and your lovely significant don’t try to pop out another one of your own clones that you clearly enjoy having since you’re so eager for me to join the club.

Oh yeah, and we don’t have kids because we don’t want any right now. 

Thanks for asking.

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If you MUST lend money to friends and family, try to keep these 7 essential tips in mind. Read More...

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Zina Kumok

The common advice about lending money to friends and family is pretty straightforward: don’t do it. It’s generally said that if you’re going to give away money to the people you care about, it should be in the form of a gift. The expectation of repayment can lead to resentment, guilt and the general dissolution of relationships — so why expect anything at all?

But unfortunately, real life isn’t always so straightforward. Sometimes a friend or family member desperately needs financial assistance, and the amount they need is just too much to part with permanently. It may not be an ideal situation, but it’s common enough to warrant discussion.

So how do you go through the fire of money lending and come out the other side with your relationships still intact?

1. Don’t let it affect your credit. It’s one thing to loan your sister $500, but it’s another to cosign on her car loan. Cosigning means you could become responsible for her debt if she fails to pay it. No matter how much you trust someone, this is a huge risk to take — especially if you can’t afford to pay off a $20,000 Toyota. Your credit score can also take a hit if they fail to make their payments in a timely fashion.

2. Write it down. Miscommunication can turn a friendly loan into a relationship killer. What your brother considers to be timely repayment could be completely different from the time frame you’re expecting to wait. That’s why it helps to write the details out, so everyone is clear about the terms of the loan. You can also set up late fees so they have incentive to pay you back on time instead of a few days after the fact.

3. Keep a record of the repayment. If your friend or family member sets up a repayment schedule with you, find an online method to track how they’re paying you back. Splitwise is a great option, but there are plenty of other sharing and debt tracking services. This way, there’s concrete proof that each payment has been made. This is easier than getting separate checks in the mail or random amounts of cash.

4. Find out what the loan is for. Just like a bank wouldn’t loan you money without a stated purpose, don’t give your loved one money just because they ask for it. Maybe they want money to invest in what seems like a scam or a legitimate business venture – you won’t know until you find out. Plus, if they have to explain their reason to you, it may help them come to a better understanding of how reasonable their request is.

5. Discuss it with your partner. If you share finances with someone else, you should get their approval before you lend someone else money. Being on the same page will ensure that you don’t ruin your relationship with them as well as the person you’re lending money to.

6. Let them know they can talk to you. If you set a hard deadline and your friend can’t come up with the money by then, they may feel too embarrassed to talk to you about it. Don’t be a pushover, but let them know you’ll be flexible. This can make it easier to preserve your relationship, and your friend or family member won’t feel the need to give you the silent treatment out of embarrassment or fear.

7. Don’t turn the loan into a gift. While there are exceptions to this rule, you generally don’t want to change the nature of the transaction after the details are set. It may be preferable to give a gift rather than a loan, but voiding your right to repayment after the loan has been given can make you look like a pushover — and could lead to you resenting the person you’re giving the money to. No matter what you do, make sure your decision isn’t heavily influenced by a pushy friend or relative.

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You’ve got time in your 20s to figure all of this out. Make some mistakes, but find some answers by 30. Read More...

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Casey Bond

Turning 30 is often treated as one of life’s great tragedies — the end of youth and a step closer to death. Morbid, I know.

Well I’m going to be 30 next month. Before you begin offering your condolences, though, let me assure you that I’m perfectly okay with it. In fact, this milestone has made me reflect a lot on how far I’ve come in the last 10 years.

I might not have all the answers, but I’ve learned a lot of important lessons that have helped me to embrace this new older, allegedly wiser me. Whether you’re still living up your 20s or are nearing the big 3-0, consider these important realizations you’ll undoubtedly have along the way.

1. Family is really important.

Families come in many sizes with varying levels of dysfunction. And family doesn’t always mean your biological relatives. They’re the people who annoy the hell out of you but you love unconditionally. And the older you get, the more real-life shit you’ll encounter that makes you appreciate the fact they’re in your life.

2. Your body has flaws and it’s not that big of a deal.

For most of my 20s, I agonized over every little perceived defect I could find about myself — so much so that I never really appreciated how awesome I actually was.

Now, I might not be 100 percent happy with my body (who really is) but I am much more accepting of it. And I can say with certainty that life is way more fun when you stop caring so much about whether you have a flat stomach or flawless skin.

3. Happiness can’t depend on someone else.

Whether it’s the approval of a parent or the love of a partner, you’ll find that chasing validation from others will never make you happy, no matter how hard you try. You can’t change the people in your life. Instead, find your passion and learn to derive happiness from what you can control: your own actions and accomplishments.

4. You can’t party like a 20-year-old.

When I was in my early 20s, I didn’t get hangovers. Now a hard night out leaves me feeling near-death for at least 48 hours. Sometimes a quiet night in with Netflix and a beer is much more appealing than going bar crawling or clubbing. And that doesn’t make you any less cool (that’s what I tell myself, anyway).

5. There are no more excuses for poor money management.

Debt is bad. Saving money is good. You spent your 20s learning these two basic principles of personal finance — likely through trial and error — so there’s really no excuse for neglecting your 401(k) or relying on your credit cards anymore. Get it together.

6. You’ve figured out what you want to be when you grow up.

Important Lessons You Must Learn By 30

In your 20s, you had jobs. In your 30s, you have a career. Years of boring, unfulfilling, or otherwise soul-sucking work helped to teach you what it is, in fact, you want to do with your life. You know what you’re good at, what gives you a sense of purpose, and you’re ready to pursue your professional goals head-on.

7. It really doesn’t matter what others think of you.

Maybe you lead an unconventional lifestyle, or have made choices your friends and family disagree with. Maybe you go grocery shopping in worn out yoga pants and no makeup.

You will always be judged by others for what you do, what you look like — for who you are. That will never change. The most liberating realization you will have right around age 30, however, is that it doesn’t fucking matter.

8. You need to make your health a priority.

Okay, so you’re more accepting of your body and care less about what other people think, but let’s not go overboard. You want to make it to your 40th birthday.

Every year of your life past the age of 25 makes it exponentially more difficult to maintain your health. I can look at a piece of pizza and gain five pounds and it takes me a couple more minutes to run a mile these days. I make it a goal to eat clean and exercise regularly — for the most part — because I know it will only get harder from here.

9. Sex gets way better.

I’ll just leave it at that. I might be a few days shy of 30, but I’m still worried my mom might be reading this.

10. Toxic relationships aren’t worth your time or energy.

The older you become, the fewer fucks you will have left to give. In fact, you probably gave out way too many in your 20s and now have to be super conservative with the rest. If a relationship costs you your emotional health, peace of mind, or values, you can’t afford to keep it.

Your 30s should be some of your best years. You’re too old to keep making the same stupid mistakes, but too young to be completely jaded. Find joy in the fact that you’ll someday get over your naïve 20-something phase and finally be — almost — comfortable in your own skin. I know I do.

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You can learn many lessons about being an adult from a teenager. This teen may even be a better adult than you are. Read More...

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Miranda Marquit

What makes an adult?

According to society and government, once you reach age 18 you are considered an adult. You can make your own decisions and sign legal documents. But just because you are a certain age, does that make you an adult?

While you might technically be an adult, the actual act of adulting is a little bit harder. Functioning as a successful adult requires more than just turning 18.

In fact, as I look at some of the things so-called adults do (or don’t do), I realize that there is a lot that 21-year-olds can learn from my 13-year-old son. Hell, there are probably some days that my son is actually a better adult than I am.

Here are some of the life skills that my 13-year-old excels at, and will help him when he becomes an actual adult.

Time management.

If you want to be a better adult and more successful in life, time management is key. We all have days when we don’t want to get something done wrong we have a hard time getting a handle on the clock. The idea, though, is to do our best to plan ahead so that we can manage our obligations.

A couple weeks ago, my son and I were talking about our after-school day. I reminded him that I had a meeting to go to and that he would be on his own after dinner. He mentioned that he knew that he would need help with his homework and suggested that we tackle the homework first, before he practiced saxophone. Rather then springing the homework on me after I returned from my meeting, he thought ahead to all of what he needed to do that afternoon and took the initiative to make sure he had time for all of his obligations.

Sometimes we just run out of that time and we have to choose between different activities. That’s just life. Adulting is recognizing that sometimes you do have control over your time, and making sure you prioritize what is most important.

Do you have to be told what needs to be done?

My 13-Year-Old Is a Better Adult Than You Are

We only need direction sometimes, especially when we’re learning something new. However, if you want to be a better an adult you need to recognize that sometimes you just need to do what needs to be done without being told.

My son comes home from school and knows he needs to take care of certain things. He has music practice, fencing practice, and homework. I don’t need to tell him to get started on these things; even on days he doesn’t necessarily want to get going, you still getting started even if I’m not home too tell him to do so.

After I broke my wrist my son really stepped up, keeping track of when he needed to start the laundry and paying attention to what time to start dinner. In many cases, he saw would need to be done and went ahead and did it.

Eat healthy meals.

We all like junk food. I’d rather eat cake than make a salad. However, I know that macaroni and cheese for dinner every day and over processed foods aren’t good for me. So I don’t make them very often.

My son is learning how to be a better adult by making better food choices. When he make dinner, he includes a fruit and vegetable in addition to whatever the entrée is. He helps with cooking, and is capable of reading a recipe. Thanks to Blue Apron, it’s possible for him to see you what we plan to have and get step-by-step instructions on making a nutritious dinner.

Track your spending.

Maybe it’s because I write about money, but my son is already learning habits that many 20-somethings I know don’t have down. I recently got him a debit card, and he is very good about tracking his spending.

He also takes the time to think about what he wants to buy with his money. He almost most never makes an impulse purchase because he had a clear idea of what he hopes to use his money for, and the knowledge that if he uses his money on something today he won’t be able to buy something else tomorrow.

He’s also learning to give money to charity and set aside money for the future. He follows the stock market because he is investing in an index fund with his long-term savings money.

Finally, he’s constantly thinking of other ways to make money. He works hard and his 4-H projects so that he can earn ribbon money, and he helps out with administrative duties in my home office. He also has big plans for a YouTube channel and other online ventures. We’ll see if he follows through with any of them.

Obviously my 13-year-old is not ready for many of the responsibilities associated with being an adult. But he’s got a pretty good handle on things.

What do you think makes an adult? Are there some things that you see so-called adults doing that aren’t very adult-like at all? How are you trying to be a better adult?

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Just started a new relationship? Here’s how to tell if it’s already over. Read More...

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Miranda Marquit

As humans, we have a tendency to seek out relationships. This is especially true when it comes to romantic relationships. If you’ve just got out of one relationship you might be ready for something new.

Don’t just jump in, though. You don’t want your next relationship to crash and burn. Here are some red flags that might indicate that your next relationship is doomed:

You’re not comfortable with yourself.

If you don’t like yourself, there is a good chance that your next relationship will fail. Even if it doesn’t, it might not be a healthy relationship to be in.

Before you heat things up, make sure that you love yourself. Even though I have been dating a little bit recently, I’m not sure I’m actually ready for a new relationship.

I actually enjoy being alone with myself and getting to know who I am again. Before you embark on a new relationship adventure, Make sure you’re comfortable with yourself and that you like yourself for who you are. When You have those good feelings about yourself, and that confidence, you are more likely to find someone who respects and loves you for who you are.

You play games in a relationship.

Anytime there is game playing involved in a relationship, that’s a red flag. It can be fun to play games and it can make you feel good about your power.

Unfortunately, you make a relationship about power and games and who has the upper hand, there is a good chance that relationship won’t last very long.

Stop worrying so much about when it’s okay to call back and agonizing over how to construct every text. Be real and genuine and stay away from someone who is playing games with you.

You demand proof of love.

Many of us grew up on those princess movies that show the guy engaging in some huge attempts to prove his love. We’ve also seen these kinds of gestures from women trying to show men how much they are in love.

When you demand a proof of love that is extravagant or out of the ordinary, that’s a sure fire sign for a huge fail. There’s nothing wrong was wanting to do something big with your SO, for trying to surprise him or her. But when the relationship becomes more about the stuff and the surprise than it is about the little things that you do together every day, and the little things you love about your partner, that’s a big problem.

You never disagree.

5 Signs Your Next Relationship Will Crash and Burn

There is no way that you will always agree with someone all the time. In fact, if you always agree on everything all the time that’s a pretty good sign that someone isn’t being totally honest.

If you don’t disagree ever, you might find out down the road that you have very different ideas of what you want the relationship to be. Additionally, you might be surprised to discover that your SO has some pretty strong feelings that they never told you about in the interest of avoiding confrontation.

Healthy disagreement and an understanding of how to overcome these disagreements and compromise our parts have a good relationship. If you want to have a relationship that lasts, you need to figure out where your disagreements are, and learn how to work through them in a healthy manner.

You don’t agree on the big stuff.

While it’s true that you’re going to have some disagreements about some things, the really big red flag is if you have disagreements about some of the big core value things that you believe.

It’s one thing to disagree about what movie you want to watch on a Friday night or to have slightly different hobbies. In fact, having some different hobbies and a little bit of alone time can be good for relationship. The trouble comes in when you disagree about major issues and fundamental values.

I already know to avoid any online dating profile that says he is looking for more children. I don’t want more kids, so hooking up with someone who does makes no sense in my situation. Other fundamental differences that can impact your relationship might include how you handle money, your basic feelings of ethics and morality, and maybe even your religion.

Some of these big things can be worked out to compromise. I know plenty of Democrats and Republicans that are married to each other and somehow it works. There’re also plenty of mixed faith relationships that aren’t problematic. (Although this can change when kids come along.)

When you have fundamental disagreements about life and values those are very hard to overcome. If you find yourself realizing that you don’t want the same thing in the long-term, that’s a sure sign that your relationship is going to fizzle out at some point.

Before you start your next relationship, or if you’re in the early stages of a new relationship, double-check the situation. You don’t want to end up crashing and burning is starting to process all over again because you didn’t heed the warning signs.

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Can you survive a long-distance relationship? It can be difficult but rewarding, especially if you follow these tips to strengthen it. Read More...

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Zina Kumok

Even though it’s been years since my husband and I lived in separate cities, I can still feel the aching feeling I had every time we said goodbye. The reunions were so sweet, but the departures felt as if we were breaking up.

Surviving a long-distance relationship can be an indicator of a good relationship, but it can also teach you things you didn’t know about yourself. It’s a learning process for your partnership.

Want to know how to make it through together?

Give each other space.

This probably seems crazy. “Give each other space?” you’re probably thinking. “But we’re already apart.”

When you’re in a long-distance relationship, the impulse to stay constantly connected is strong. But that can make you crazy and drive your partner away.

This is the best time to learn how to respect each other’s boundaries before you’re sharing a space. Don’t text, email, or call constantly. Set a schedule so that the other person can still have a normal life without worrying that they’re not getting back to you.

“Leaning on your partner too much is bad to begin with, but is multiplied when you have limited contact with each other,” my sister-in-law Kim L. said. Kim spent a year apart from her boyfriend after college.

Find shared interests.

While you’re apart, it can be hard to find things to talk about. The usual “how’s your day” conversations grow stale in the face of distance.

“After two weeks of being apart, it can be hard to find things to talk about on the phone — we just want to see each other again,” said my friend Brad Z., who spent months studying abroad in South Africa while his girlfriend was in the States.

That’s why it helps to do things together. That can be going to see the same movie when it opens, even if you’re in different cities. It can be sending articles the other person might like or listening to a new album and discussing it.

Constantly reminding the other person that you miss them makes for a boring conversation after a few weeks.

Make a life for yourself.

Instead of being sad that you’re apart from your partner, focus on what you can do by yourself. A friend of mine joked that she always got more studying done when her boyfriend was away. I used my time to watch “The Golden Girls” non-stop and spend as much as I wanted in antique bookstores and beauty stores.

“I wish I could go back and tell myself that it would be over soon and to enjoy Arizona rather than come home every night and remind myself how many days were left until it was over,” said my friend Audrie O., who spent a summer apart from her now-husband on an internship.

Finding your own network is also crucial if you’re an extrovert. Relying on one person for companionship is always bad, but it’s even worse if that person doesn’t live near you.

If you’re an introvert, use this time to recharge and focus on cultivating your hobbies and passions.

The good news is research shows that couples in long-distance relationships learn to communicate better than couples who aren’t. They also foster more trust, better discussions and greater intimacy.

“The distance forces you to focus on your friendship and your communication with the other person,” said my friend Joe R., who spent years in a long-distance relationship. “I think that these things lead to long-term success, because they kick in when the excitement and the newness of the relationship starts to fade.”

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How do you know when it’s the right time for sex, especially with a new partner? Read More...

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Harlan L. Landes

Adults can have sex whenever they both decide that they want to have sex, if everyone involved is capable of consenting, and if doing so would be legal.

Providing those two conditions are met, feel free to make your own choices about physical intimacy. But not so fast — at least not at first. The best decision is an educated decision, so there are some things you should know first about yourself and your partner, covering your attitudes, values, beliefs, and approaches to any consequences.

The decision to have sex may seem a little more complicated if it would be your first time with a particular partner — or first time overall. Give the following considerations some thought before taking a relationship to the next level of intimacy or adding sex where there may be no relationship at all.

Sex can even be an impulse decision if you’ve already gone through the process.

What is important to you?

Do you feel that you need to have a emotional connection with a partner before starting any physical intimacy? The first thing to think about is what you value in a relationship and what kind of beliefs you have. Your beliefs may be influenced by your parents, the community you grew up in, or input from other people around you. Everyone’s situation is somewhat different.

The first step is communicating your beliefs and your values surrounding relationships to your partner. You do not have to have the same opinions, but it helps to understand where the other is coming from. This goes a long way towards avoiding any emotional surprises later on.

You might even find that you think you feel one thing, but you find that later on, you change your mind, or you feel that your initial feelings were wrong. It’s good to recognize that as a possibility, regardless of how you feel today.

What type of relationship, if any, is important to you before you have sex? Do you want to act on purely physical arousal? Would you prefer to have an emotional connection before Netflix and chill? Or do you consider yourself a sapiosexual — a word I just recently learned — turned on by intelligence? There’s no right answer; it all comes down to what you like.

And if you don’t know what you like yet, you should feel free to experiment, make mistakes, and figure it out. On that note…

Do you feel pressured?

You shouldn’t let anyone pressure you. The decision to have sex is one you need to have the freedom to come to on your own first, then as a couple. Don’t allow your partner to manipulate you, make you feel guilty, or convince you to do something you’re not ready for. Communicate honestly about your desires, and expect the same from your partner. Trust goes a long way to making sure the sex you do have is enjoyable and fulfilling — and potentially amazing!

Pressure can come from outside the couple, too. Your friends may not be pressuring you outright or on purpose, but you might feel pressure just being within a group of friends who have a different approach to sex than you do. Try to separate your image of yourself from the idea of what you think people expect from you.

You could be pressured into not having sex, too. Keep in mind that as an adult, you have the freedom to say yes. It can be difficult to remember this if you have been receiving opposite messages consistently and repeatedly from people you trust since adolescence. Physical intimacy is not bad, evil, or inappropriate. It can be risky, but it shouldn’t be shameful.

A question I hear often is regarding the number of dates with the same person after which sex is expected. Sex should never be expected. You should wait until you feel you’re ready to be intimate with that particular partner. The number of dates is irrelevant.

How would you handle the consequences?

The Right Time to Have Sex

Starting or continuing a physically intimate relationship can have unintended consequences, so it’s best to think about what you would do personally in the event of each consequence, and then talk about what you would do as a couple.

If the relationship involves a man and a woman, pregnancy is a potential outcome. Have you given any thought to what you would do or how you would feel if you or your partner becomes pregnant as a result of your intimacy? Have you discussed this? And if not, are you taking enough precautions to try to prevent the situation? And then what happens if the preventative measures fail?

How familiar are you with your partner’s sexual history? And beyond history, what about the present? Are you both sleeping with other people as well? Basic information about other sexual partners is helpful to prevent the spread of STIs. Combine this knowledge with safe, protected sex, and you are setting yourself up for healthy sex. Condoms will help protect both against pregnancy and STIs, while birth control via pill, patch, implant, or some other means will only help avoid pregnancy. But there are no guarantees.

And while it may not be as important as these considerations, you might need to think about the well-being of others beyond your potential sex partner. Are either of you in emotional or physical relationships with others? How will your actions affect your other relationships?

Sometimes, the consequences might be nothing more than feeling awkward when seeing your partner under normal circumstances. Sometimes, even people who think they can handle being friends with benefits find that they’re uncomfortable around the other person or even develop a stronger emotional connection when they weren’t planning to. These consequences can be frustrating or they can be great — depending on whether everyone involved continues to share the same attitude and feelings towards the relationship.

The role of sex in a relationship.

Sex can strengthen a good relationship or add excitement outside of a relationship. It doesn’t solve all the problems throughout the world, and in fact, it can also harm others if it’s included in an abusive relationship. Avoid using sex as a bargaining chip or to control your partner’s behavior. But there are no rules other than what the law calls for, including the ability to consent.

Sex is meant to be fun! It’s all about pleasure and enjoying each other. If it doesn’t feel good, change something, don’t be nervous, avoid the pressure, and keep trying.

Listen to this related podcast.

Why do we struggle so much with the idea of consent?
Why do we struggle so much with the idea of consent?

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Wait a minute. I can afford this now. This is what it’s like when you’re adulting. Read More...

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Zina Kumok

A few weeks ago, I finally experienced what it’s like to be the “rich” friend. A group of girlfriends and I, people I’ve just met recently, were talking about going skiing. The trip can cost almost $100, including gas, meals and lift tickets. That’s a hefty amount for me, but something I can afford.

One of the girls in the group said she couldn’t afford to go. The rest of us said we understood, and that’s when it hit me.

“Wait, I’m that friend that can afford things now.”

Things were different a couple years ago. I was trying to pay off my students loans and was putting any extra money toward my debt. I said no to parties, dinners, and cross-country trips. I said no to hobbies, concerts, and movies.

I remember feeling jealous and judgmental of my friends who could travel and not think about how they weren’t putting money in their retirement funds. Or people who gave to charity while deferring their loans. I gave $25 at weddings, lamenting even that amount.

While I was in college, most of my friends and I were on the same level. We spent money with abandon, even though we all claimed to be broke.

I keep thinking back to one of the first episodes of “Friends,” where Rachel, Joey, and Phoebe have to bring up that they can’t afford to go out to eat or buy concert tickets. I’ve never had that difficult conversation with a friend, but I have been the one to suggest hanging out at my place instead of going to the movies.

Starting to Afford Things

Now my husband and I don’t mind picking up the check when friends come in town — we’ve even treated his parents to dinner occasionally. If you want to feel like an adult, try buying dinner for your in-laws. That will make you feel like an adult faster than you can say “health insurance premium.”

I like this feeling. For the first time, my life has options. I just bought tickets to see one of my favorite writers, Elizabeth Gilbert, speak. When purchasing the tickets, I splurged on the VIP package, which includes a cocktail reception with Gilbert. A year ago, I would’ve bought the cheapest ticket and considered myself lucky.

The good news is that there are always alternatives to pricey forms of entertainment. You can watch a movie at someone’s house instead of going out. You can bake together instead of grabbing dinner. The same way that my friends compromised for me when I was unwilling to spend money, I need to do for other people.

It may mean that they won’t be able to come to ski trips or big concerts, but they’ll be available for drinking wine at home and rewatching a “Harry Potter” movie.

I’ve seen my parents manage friendships while earning differently than other people. It’s not about being ditching the friend who can’t afford to go to the restaurant you want to go to, it’s about being a friend and finding ways to bridge that gap.

The best experiences are the ones when you have the right people.

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You know your relationship is on point if these 20 traits describe you. If not, at least you’ll know what to do. Read More...

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Harlan L. Landes

I’ve had some of the best relationships, but I’ve also had a few where the best thing I could say is that they were learning experiences.

Here’s what I’ve learned. I’ve identified twenty healthy behaviors that show you are doing what it takes to give yourself the best chance of having a long-lasting, loving relationship with your person.

If the following describes you, you’re doing your part to make a thing go right. It takes two, however, to make it out of sight. Not only should you let these suggestions lead your approach to your relationship, but your s.o. should, too.

Hit it.

1. You bring to the table everything you want in a partner.

Whether it’s education, healthy living, or ambition, if there’s a trait you feel is important in your partner, be sure you’re your own great example. What are you doing to work on being the ideal partner for someone like you?

2. You argue about which one of you is the luckiest.

I am! No, I am! It’s more than just playing the humble lover. There’s some truth to that every relationship is made up of one settler and one reacher, but if you disagree and each honestly think you’re the reacher and the other is the settler, you are able to see the best in each other.

3. You always love the idea of sex.

That isn’t to say you are always in the mood to be physically intimate or that you will do what your partner wants at any time, but you always look forward to the next chance you have to hook up. And when you do, it’s a-ma-zing.

4. You talk excitedly about your goals and listen to your partner’s goals.

You have your own wishes and dreams, and you have desires together as a couple. You may not have identical goals, but they are compatible. You even give your partner the chance to change goals and paths. When you pay attention, you can support your partner as they move towards their goal and travel forward together.

5. You can handle time apart.

When you’re comfortable not being attached at the hip, when you know your partner can be away from you without making you nervous or jealous, you show that you are self-confident. Time apart is an essential piece of a healthy relationship, and if you can allow this to happen without the need to check up every five minutes, you’re in good shape.

6. Your friends and family like you together.

The people outside of your relationship who know you the best have great insight into what kind of partner you need. As long as they’re not clouded by their own issues like jealousy, you can trust your friends and family, especially if their opinions ring true. But haters gonna hate, sometimes, so you always do what’s best for you.

7. You show patience and kindness with your s.o.

20 Traits That Prove Your Relationship Is On Point

You can’t control your partner’s behavior or emotions, so when a situation doesn’t go the way you’d like, you react with understanding and love. Mistakes happen, so patience and kindness allows your partner to be comfortable when communicating, and you don’t force them to be defensive.

8. You have matching sets of baggage.

It’s too much to expect that your partner doesn’t have a past. We all have baggage, issues that we have to deal with. Your partner’s baggage should go with yours, but that doesn’t mean you have to have identical history.

9. You’re not waiting for something that would improve the relationship.

The struggle is real. If you’re waiting until your partner gets a job with the hope that will fix all your problems, you could be putting too much faith in the future. If you’re making it work regardless of money, addiction, or bad behavior today, you’ll be that much stronger when things get better, but if you’re having difficulty now, things might not improve if the situation itself ever improves.

10. You don’t keep score or count relationship points.

You know your relationship isn’t a game you’re trying to win. Your partner doesn’t owe you favors when you do what you feel is a favor for them. You’re not trying to prove you love your partner more than they love you.

11. You don’t make your partner feel they’re not good enough.

Emotional manipulation is the quickest way to a toxic relationship. You don’t make yourself feel better by knocking your partner down.

12. You don’t try to change your partner.

You may feel you’d like your significant other to be just a little bit more understanding, more attentive, more ambitious. And you support your partner when they try, but you don’t try to force them into being something that you feel is the ideal lover.

13. You don’t get jealous when other people flirt with your partner.

You are self-confident, so you don’t need to compete for your lover’s attention when it’s important, and you don’t have to feel threatened. Be thankful others recognize your partner’s attractive qualities, but be satisfied they are choosing you every day.

14. You put away distractions when you’re with your partner.

20 Traits That Prove Your Relationship Is On Point

Not every minute you’re with your partner needs to be fully engaging. You can both sit on the bed reading independently; you can be in separate rooms working. But when you are engaged with each other, you give your partner 100 percent of your attention. Put down the smartphone.

15. You ask about your partner’s day and listen before talking about yours.

You can’t wait to tell your partner about your day. Sometimes you have something you need to share. It’s hard to conceal that excitement, and you don’t have to. But you should balance your enthusiasm for telling your own story with being excited about what your partner has to share.

16. You communicate at a higher level.

When you’re totally in sync, you communicate in ways others can’t even detect. Just a look indicates it’s time to leave the party and move to a more intimate setting. Mind reading is an illusion, but this is how it works.

17. You take your happiness into your own hands.

You’re not waiting for your partner to “make” you happy. Happiness in a relationship is a choice that you make. And if you’re not happy, you know you’re the only one to blame. No one else is responsible for your decision to be happy.

18. You treat your partner like your best friend.

You are supportive, reliable, and you look past your partner’s flaws. You forgive, because you know the relationship is worth maintaining.

19. You imagine life from your partner’s perspective.

Putting yourself in their shoes is the first path towards showing empathy for the person you love. You better understand your partner’s actions and feelings because you practice empathy, and because of this, you can better predict their future behavior. Empathy is a mind-reading superpower.

20. You don’t need to prove to others just how good your relationship is.

When you’re proud of your partner, it’s natural to want to brag and show off. I’m surprised that we don’t see more “my boyfriend is smart, hot, and successful” bumper stickers than we see “my kid is an honor student” stickers. But you don’t seek the approvals of “friends” on social media because you’re self-confident and couple-confident.

Don’t see many things on this list to apply to you? Start to think of this article as a road map — your GPS to a relationship that’s on point, or a daily reminder to bring a new relationship into your life, if it is that you seek.

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