Are you hoping that finding “the one” will complete your life?
We’ve got bad news and good news about that. The bad news is that there probably isn’t a “perfect” partner for you. The good news is that you might be able to make it work with any number of your fellow humans.
Everything we are conditioned to believe about “true love” is likely wrong. But that doesn’t mean you can’t find a good partner for your life. It takes a bit of work, and you have to be willing to grow and change, but you can create a soulmate. At least that’s what science thinks.
Concepts
Finding a soulmate vs. becoming soulmates.
“Made for each other” can actually kill your relationship.
How to work with a potential partner to improve your relationship over time.
Can you really rely on one person to furnish ALL of your emotional needs?
A look at research that indicates that polygamy might be part of our DNA, like monogamy is.
Is polyamory a real thing?
Could arranged marriages be better than finding the one?
The importance of self-reflection before you go out and try to find the one.
The importance of honesty and authenticity when looking for a partner. Be yourself.
Listen for our “do-nows” for specific actions you can take to approach your next relationship. We’ll also answer a listener question about finding the one who makes everything easy.
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“Made for each other” could ruin your relationship
An arranged marriage might work better
Hosted byHarlan Landes and Miranda Marquit Produced byadulting.tv Edited and mixed bySteve Stewart Music bybensound.com
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Even though I received my share of horrifying messages, overall I enjoyed my experience on OK Cupid. Check it out to see if it might work for you. Read More...
Early this year, I decided it was time for me to dip my toe into the world of dating. My divorce had been final for a few months, and I figured it was time to meet new and interesting people — even though I’m 90% certain at this point that marriage isn’t in the cards for me again.
After some thought, and after asking a few friends, I decided to start with OK Cupid. (Never fear. Over the next few months, I’ll try other dating sites and write about them, too.) I actually really enjoyed my OKC experience, even though there were some weird moments.
Belle of the ball.
This was my first whack at online dating. Online dating barely existed when I got married, and we met the old fashioned way: at college. One of the very first things I learned is that if you want to feel like the belle of the ball, sign up for an online dating site as a woman. Almost immediately, I got a flood of messages. It was pretty easy to weed many of them out, though.
A message I actually received!
I ignored messages that started with some variation of, “Hi beautiful” and discovered that if I checked my account just before bed, late at night, things sometimes got really weird.
But I also found that there are men willing to take a few minutes to actually get a feel for who you are before they message you, if you’re careful about your profile. I was true to myself in my profile, and even though I got my share of degrading and awful messages, I also discovered that there are plenty of men strong enough to deal with an opinionated, independent woman.
My very real OK Cupid profile 1/2My very real OK Cupid profile 2/2
(Fun fact: I actually did attend space camp.)
In the end, I went out on dates with two people I met on OKC, and had extensive text and phone conversations with two others. Also, in a fun twist, a good friend of mine was on the site and he messaged me just for shits and giggles. It was also weird to see a couple people I actually know, but don’t really know on there. Just passed them by because awkward.
It’s any experience you want.
The thing I liked most about my OK Cupid experience is the fact that I could choose how to proceed. The site allows for different gender and sexual expressions. You can also be clear about what type of experience you are looking for, from nothing but sex to monogamous marriage and everything in between. In fact, the most interesting person I met on OKC was in an open relationship. I thoroughly enjoyed learning about his experience over drinks and appetizers.
OK Cupid also has a questions feature that allows you to answer questions, and then indicate which answers you’d accept from a potential match, plus how important that answer is to you.
How would you answer this question?
The idea is that you end up with better matches the more questions you answer. Most of the people who contacted me with thoughtful messages, and those I ended up devoting actual time to, were pretty well matched. I think a combination of using the profile, plus the questions I answered dealing with religion, politics, personal habits, sex, and family, helped narrow things down. I am a political and ideological minority in my area, so I think OK Cupid did a pretty good job of narrowing it down.
Here’s a match who’s also partly my enemy.He’s a good match for me.
I also like how OKC makes it a point to let you know if there are things you really don’t agree on, with the enemy rating. There are a number of other features as well, such as a swiping feature, similar to Tinder, that allows you to quickly make decisions about people in a gallery at the top of the page.
I like some of the other features as well. You can choose to go “incognito” so that others can’t see your profile unless you either like or message them. Turning on this mode dramatically reduced the number of messages I received, which was nice, and it also reduced the number of horrifying, misogynistic, and sexually aggressive messages I received.
A newer feature is one that allows you to gauge the chances that someone will respond to your message. This seems like a cool feature that can provide you with insight into whether or not sending a message is worth your while. After all, you don’t want to wind up wasting your time.
What are the chances the match will respond?
It’s also possible to pay to boost your profile, allowing you to get in front of more people, if that’s your thing. OKC will also tell you when it’s “rush hour” so you can hop on and see a flurry of activity. If you really want to stay on top of everything, download the app. It can get addicting, though, and I didn’t want it to take over my life, so I promptly deleted the app once I downloaded it. But it was easy to use for the short period of time I did use it.
For the most part, OK Cupid seems to make dating fun. You can sign up to have indications of new matches, new messages, and even see when people are checking you out — right now! It depends on which plan you sign up for, and how much you are willing to pay to find true love (or have a little fun). I was appalled at some of the messages I received, but overall the experience was positive.
How much will OK Cupid cost me?
Like many dating sites, OKC is free initially, but if you want access to certain features, you end up needing to pay. Also, there are features, like “Boost,” that are done on a per-charge basis. For a couple bucks, you’ll be shown to more people in a short period of time.
When you pay for A-List Basic, you can see who likes you, read message receipts, and browse profiles invisibly. Paying can also get rid of the ads and allow you to change your username without any trouble. Plus, you can store more messages (if that sort of thing matters to you). If you are willing to pay even MORE, you can get A-List Premium and get an automatic daily boost and see all public answers to questions before you make your own answers. There’s also message priority, which moves you to the top of your potential matches’ inboxes.
You save more by committing to three or six-month packages. I chose a package that gave me a lower price, and paid a little less than $50 for six months of being on the A-List. (And now, since I’m writing about it, it’s a tax deduction!) The price quoted to me is different now: $19.95 per month or $9.95 per month for six months. To upgrade to Premium, it starts at $34.90 per month, or you can save by getting the six-month package for $24.90 per month. You can set it up through PayPal, which makes things easy and convenient.
With OK Cupid, you pay for everything at once. It’s easy to cancel, but you end up getting the rest of the months on your package if you don’t catch it before renewal. So I get to be A-List for a couple more months, even though I don’t really care at this point.
Overall, OKC was a decent value for what I paid. However, I’m not sure I’d pay for more than six months, although it depends on what your goals are. I’ll probably keep the profile but have it downgraded to the free version.
Have you tried OKC? What did you think?
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Just because you’re thirsty, it doesn’t mean it’s a good idea to jump into dating at the end of a long-term relationship. Read More...
A week after my now-ex-husband asked for a divorce, a man approached me on a platform in Philly just as a train arrived. “I noticed your eyes,” he said. “Do you mind if I sit with you on the train?”
The train doors opened. I smiled and shrugged. He sat down next to me. We enjoyed a pleasant conversation. He asked for my number, and if he could see me again. A voice in my mind urged me onward, “He’s cute! He thinks you’re attractive! Say yes and show [redacted] that you have plenty of other options too!”
I realized that I wanted to say yes because I wanted to get back at someone — and that’s a surefire way to crash and burn. Instead, I took a deep breath, briefly explained that my husband had asked for a divorce only days before and that I didn’t think I was in a good place.
He pulled out a piece of scrap paper and a pen, scribbled his number, and handed it to me as he slipped out the door. “He’s an idiot. If you change your mind, give me a call.”
Still, I knew I wasn’t ready to get back out there. After I thought about it a little, I decided it was a good idea to swear off dating at the end of a long relationship.
1. You’re not the same.
Any relationship changes you. But a long relationship? It transforms you into a different person over time. You might be fundamentally the same at the core, but you are still different. By the time my ex asked for a divorce, 13½ years after we said “yes” to our covenants at age 22, I was almost a completely different person.
Time changes you. Experiences change you. Having children changes you. Being with someone for more than a decade changes you. Hell, just being with someone for a year changes you. You aren’t the same person anymore, and you need to rediscover the new you before you start dating again.
Charging into dating or starting a new relationship before you’ve gotten to know the new you is dangerous. Swear off dating until you have a chance to figure out who the new you is. I’ve always enjoyed alone time, but I took it to a new level in the months following my divorce. I wanted to know who I was — and if I even liked her.
2. You need time to grieve.
Divorce is one of those things that involves the stages of grief. Even if you weren’t married, and even if your relationship was two or three years instead of more than 10, you might still need to allow yourself space to grieve. You don’t get that if you launch into dating and a new relationship immediately.
For the most part, I’m over the divorce. I’m healthy. I’m happy. I enjoy being single. (Maybe I enjoy being single too much.) But there are still days that I feel sad about what could have, should have, might have been. But at the beginning, there was a lot of sadness, loneliness, and anger. I was in no state to be a good partner in a relationship, and certainly not ready to explore dating.
It made sense to swear off dating while I grappled with my new feelings, allowed them to hold sway, and then heal (mostly) up. I will never be the same. I will never approach another relationship the same way. But allowing myself that space means that I am more likely to be open and honest when the time comes.
In fact, getting through those emotions, and allowing that space without the pressures, obligations, and distractions of dating and potential new relationships allowed me to be more honest with those around me.
3. You need to figure out what you want.
Because you are a different person, you want different things. After the end of a long-term relationship, you might have a better idea of what makes you tick. Or you might not have any idea at all.
I know I wasn’t sure what I wanted. Did I want to get married again? Maybe just date around for a little while? The things I admire in a partner are different from the things I admired in a partner a few years ago.
Take time to reflect on what you liked and didn’t like about your long-term relationship. What would you do differently? What could you have done better? And what traits matter most to you in a partner? What traits do you want to develop so you are a better partner?
I decided to swear off dating until I had a better handle on things. It took several months. Then I dipped a toe in by using an online dating service. But once I broke my wrist, then left for the summer, that whole thing fizzled. But I made some amazing connections over the summer, met interesting people, and learned a few things about myself.
It’s not just about you and a partner, either. It’s also about what you want your life to look like going forward. I’ve got a son I need to usher through high school and a newfound freedom that I love. Do I want to change things up with by tossing someone else in the mix? Plus, if you don’t know what you want out of life, how do you know if that person you are dating actually fits into the picture?
Figuring out what you want is an ongoing process, and time changes you, even when you’re not in a relationship. But before you start dating again, it’s a good idea to at least think about a few things, and generally establish an outline of where you stand.
You don’t want your dating experiences or next relationship to suffer because you haven’t taken the time to get reacquainted with yourself or figure out what you want from life. Swear off dating, even if it’s only for a month or two, to give yourself time.
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Your dreams coming true… with your crew. Something amazing? It’s time, effort, and money. Read More...
You and your closest friends may all share the same aspirations. Maybe it’s a beach vacation together, maybe it’s your own separate businesses, but you’re close because you share some kind of life goal and desire in common.
Squad goals started with those who, unlike Taylor Swift and her entourage, are outside of the mainstream and feed off the group encouragement and support from friends who face the same challenges from society.
But your squad goals are like your own goals. You have to put the time and the effort in if you want to see things happen. If your squad doesn’t have Taylor Swift or Waka Flocka Flame at the center, chances are you’ll all have to work equally hard.
Is your squad even healthy?
Before we get started, let’s address the fact that some groups of friendships aren’t entirely healthy. Your close friends or colleagues should be supporting each other, not secretly jealous and vindictive of each other. Leave the passive-aggressive behavior out of it.
Your crew should not be a clique, and you better not bully each other or other people. Get rid of any negative attitudes right now, before you decide to work on your squad goals.
Now, let’s start at the beginning.
What are your squad goals?
Vacations can be a blast when you go with your squad. If you’re going to get LIT, who else would you rather be with than your besties? I still dream about taking all of my friends on a cruise. One day, we’ll make that happen.
If some kind of trip is part of your squad goals, start planning now. Clear your calendars. Get recommendations for places to stay.
How about creating something? Have you and your closest friend always wanted to open a store to sell custom jewelry for toddlers? “Bling Babies” can still happen! Start the process: read some books and talk to store owners.
Are online businesses part of your group’s plans? Rather than working together on one plan, your squad goals could involve each of your friends working along on their own separate paths. With everyone working towards different goals, set aside some time to check in with each other. Support each other’s goals. Keep each other on track.
Everyone in the group can use their own skills, talents, and superpowers to help everyone else.
Being each others’ “accountability partner” is easy. So here’s the hard part: the money and the effort.
What do your squad goals cost?
Some goals take time and effort. Some take money. And a lot of goals take a combination of all of the above.
So when you plan, write down exactly what you need in order to make your dreams come to life. If the main requirement is time and effort, start prioritizing your life so you can bring your goals closer to you. Spend less time on things that matter less and more time moving you and your squad closer on the right path.
If money is the priority for living out your goals, take an honest look at where you are financially and where you need to be. If it’s far off, it could call for some drastic measures if you want to reach your goals within your own lifetime.
There are two sides to ending the day with more money. The first is the simpler of the two sides, but it may not always be the easiest. You just have to earn more money.
If you have a job, are you maximizing your income there? Can you take on more work to earn more cash? Have you asked for a raise recently? How about overtime?
Let’s say you’re maxed out at work. Do you take a second job? Make a career change? Start looking around for a new job that offers better incentives (like bigger paychecks)? You have to start considering these options.
The other side of growing your stash is being careful about spending. There’s only so far you can go before you’re living on the street, but maybe there are some expenses you can cut out. If you consciously make decisions about spending, keeping your squad goals in mind, you would be in a better place for keeping some money in your pocket.
So now that you’re saving money for your squad goals, how do you keep it organized and on track?
Open up a special bank account.
You could keep your squad-goal-money in a jar in your kitchen. But you’d probably be tempted to take some out once in a while for last-minute outings with your squad. Outings that have nothing to do with your real squad goals.
A safer place — safer from you and your own meddling — is the bank. Goal-oriented saving is the new thing for banks, especially those that are trying really hard to make their stodgy financial institutions more relevant to people like you.
We’ll list a few options here as examples. We’re not endorsing any company over any other. These companies are not advertisers or sponsors, so we are just sharing a couple that we have had experience with at Adulting.tv.
SmartyPig.SmartyPig was one of the first “banks” to offer a savings account in a way that is designed for goals. It’s not a bank itself, but it works with a bank behind the scenes. Sign up online and name your goal and the date you’d like to withdraw your money to spend for that goal. This is where I saved up for a camera for my photography business-slash-hobby.
Don’t worry, you don’t have to stick to the date or the goal if something in your life or your squad changes. Something always does, right? With all these accounts, you can take your money out at any time for any reason.
Capital One 360. Years ago, this account’s predecessor pioneered the idea of multiple savings accounts for different goals. You can put money into several accounts, and name each one after a specific goal. This is where I had my “emergency fund” and my “saving for a new car fund.”
That’s all you need. Not only will these places store your money until you’re ready to pay for making your squad goals happen, they’ll also pay you income. It may be just a little right now, but these are interest-paying accounts, so your balance will grow even without adding more of your own money in.
Pretty good deal, right?
Start saving now, and before you know it, you and your crew will be taking selfies on the moon. (How’s that for a squad goal?)
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Adulting.tv LIVE! welcomes special guests David Auten and John Schneider from Debt Free Guys. David, John, Harlan, and Miranda discuss what it takes to tell when a couple may want to begin cohabitation. Living together can be a big decision and a major step forward with a relationship.
How do you know when the time is right to move in together?
Watch the video above, or listen to just the audio by using the player below.
Part of this money talk involves discussing whether or not you will combine finances. This is a tough decision and one you have to decide on for yourself, based on how you and your partner feel about money.
There are advantages.
When you combine your finances, you truly form a partnership. Everything goes into a big pot. All your money. All your partner’s money. You pay your bills from the big pot. You set up joint savings and investment accounts. When you combine finances, it can have a big impact emotionally. You truly feel like one entity. It’s practically impossible to feel detached when you are sharing your finances.
Combining your finances can also simplify matters. You don’t have to worry about who’s putting what into the joint account for household expenses, and you don’t have to divvy up the bills or worry about whether or not your partner is actually paying his or her “fair” share. With combined finances, it all goes to the same place, and you only have to worry about paying from one account.
Finally, with combined finances, it’s all on the table. You can both see what’s happening with the money, and you both have equal access to it. A lot has been written about financial infidelity. (Go ahead, search it on Google. I’ll wait. Checked it out? Seen that it’s a real problem for some people? Awesome.) While combining finances can’t totally eliminate the problem, the reality is that it’s much harder for someone to hide his or her money issues when the S.O. has just as much access to everything.
For many couples, this is the way to go. In fact, during my marriage, we had combined finances. We had a big pot, what’s-mine-is-yours-and-what’s-yours-is-mine, approach. It made things simple during the marriage, but a bit of a PITA during the divorce.
But there are downsides, too.
One of the biggest issues with combining your finances is that you lose some of your autonomy. You don’t have complete control over your money; you need to consult with someone else before you make certain decisions. If you still like to have that measure of control over what you spend, and how you use your money, combining finances can be scary as hell.
When you separate your finances, you can also create a formula for deciding who pays for what. There are many ways to do this. In some cases, the person who makes the most might cover the biggest expenses, while the other person takes care of the smaller household costs. If you make close to the same amount of money, it can make sense to split everything down the middle.
Another way to separate determine your bills is by using a percentage. If one of you makes 70% of the money, you pay 70% of the shared expenses, while the other pays 30% of the household costs. Once those shared costs are covered, each of you gets to keep what’s left to use how you want. However, when you have separate finances, you each pay from your own account.
Keeping things separate can also provide protection. What happens if you aren’t sure about how your bae handles money? You can better protect your own financial situation by avoiding combining accounts. Your partner can’t raid your account if it isn’t shared. If you think your partner spends too much and you want to keep him or her from draining your resources, separate finances can make sense. Keeping things apart protects you.
Finally, separate finances are easier to manage in the event of a de-coupling. My ex and I had to go through our shared accounts and assets and divvy them up at the end of the marriage. On top of that, as I looked back on some of the purchases he made with our joint money, I was a little bitter.
While we are on good terms, and I care deeply for my ex, the reality is that combining finances and the aftermath left a sour taste in my mouth. Things are fine now, but they were a bit unwieldy for a while. Keeping things separate would have made things easier. In a world where many of these romantic relationships, whether or not they are marriages, come to an end, combined finances may not be the best choice.
How about making a compromise?
It’s possible to create a hybrid model. I know many successful couples who employ this method. Rather than keep things completely separate, they have some joint accounts. For shared expenses, like housing costs and paying for kids’ activities, you can open a joint account. Each of you contributes a pre-determined amount of money. You pay your shared expenses from the shared account.
Everything else, however, is separate. You have the feeling of working toward a common goal, but you also keep some things separate. This method can work for shared goals like saving up for a down payment on a home, going on vacation, or making a major purchase together.
When you use this plan, you maintain separate accounts. You can buy gifts for each other and make them true surprises. You also obtain limited protection. While there is no way to keep your honey out of the joint account, the bulk of your money is safe from pillaging in your own accounts. A friend of mine was fortunate that he used the hybrid model when his wife drained the joint account and then asked for a divorce. She couldn’t access his account and take that money, too, ahead of time.
How you manage your money is up to you. Have a talk about it, figure out what you’re comfortable with, and make a plan from there.
What do you think about combining finances? Is this something you are comfortable with?
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Why do I like dogs more than humans? Because they know how to live and love. Read More...
The other day I went to the grocery store and, as is usual, there was a dog tied out front of the store.
Our eyes met, I immediately forgot about the jelly donut that had consumed my entire being all morning and said, “Hello puppy dog.”
I walked into the store and passed several humans, all with whom I didn’t make eye contact and to whom I certainly didn’t say, “Hi.”
On my way home from the store, I thought this was a curious behavior of mine. Why am I more inclined to say hello to a strange dog than a stranger?
The next morning, I went for a five-mile run. It was morning rush hour or, as I call it, “mourning rush hour.” The new school year had started and this added stress to the commute that wasn’t there the previous months.
Drivers, in general, were driving faster. Having to stop at the stop sign upset them. It pained some drivers to wait for a human to cross the street even though that human was running. I became a defensive runner.
On that five-mile run, I heard two drivers honk at other drivers and saw some adult sign language. It was then that I noticed my internal anger. I wasn’t angry at any particular person.
I just wasn’t feeling the love.
I asked myself, “Why don’t I feel the same sort of happiness about my fellow homo sapiens that I did for that canine? Why aren’t we humans waving good morning to each other? Why does the privilege of taking young people to school make for a bad commute? Why can’t we drive with as much care as dogs sniff each other’s butts?”
This is when I thought we could all learn a few things from man’s best friend. I thought of that Facebook meme that says, “Be the person your dog thinks you are.”
Assume strangers deserve unconditional love.
Assume everyone deserves your unconditional love and would appreciate a wave or a smile (the human version of licking strangers). Be the first to be friendly. This will make you happier and, over time, your disposition will rub off on others.
Live in the moment.
Dogs only care about the here and now. They’re not depressed about yesterday’s mistakes and certainly aren’t stressed about tomorrow’s maybes.
This is a lesson taught in many of the world’s oldest religions. Lao Tzu, the author of Tao Te Ching, said, “If you are depressed, you are living in the past. If you are anxious, you’re living in the future. If you are at peace, you are living in the present.”
Dogs have mastered living in the present. Be the dog.
Enjoy the simple things.
Our fast-paced, high-tech, constant-consumption world hasn’t made us happier. Some argue that being so connected on social media makes us less happy.
You’ll never see a dog missing Facebook. They do get excited by the sound of someone at the door, though.
You don’t need social media or textual relations to be happy. Connect with the people in your life for increased happiness and deeper relationships.
Forgive easily.
Forgive yourself and others as easily as a dog loves you after it’s scolded. Anger is a cancer that eats the soul. It does no favors. It is both a great example and great relief to forgive.
To err is human; to forgive, divine. – Alexander Pope
Don’t be quick to anger.
I was angry during my manic morning run. The dogs I saw were walking with their tails in the air and sticking their noses out car windows. They were just smelling the world as happy as they could be despite all the chaos around them.
We humans would all have better mornings if we were more like our canine companions. Do yourself a favor and push away anger and focus on joy.
Smother your loved ones with love.
Dog owners know this feeling. No matter how good or bad their day is, when they walk in the door their dog couldn’t be happier to see them. Dogs practically jump on their owners with so much pent up excitement built from the time they hear the key enter the keyhole to the time their owner walks across the threshold.
Be this way with your loved ones each and every time you see them, even if you’re just passing through the kitchen for that last jelly donut. Both your days will be better.
If you adopt even one of these behaviors, you’ll be amazed at how your life improves. If you master them all, you’ll live in a dog’s paradise.
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Are you really adulting? Or are you checking things off a list? Just because you’re doing what others say you “should” doesn’t mean you’re truly adulting. Read More...
Now that most of my friends are close to 30, I’ve seen some pretty big changes in their lives: weddings, babies, mortgages. Our lives mirror our parents now more than they do our younger cousins: fewer frat parties, more 401(k)s.
It’s easy to feel like an adult as you cross off those big milestones. But all those changes don’t make you an adult. Being an adult is how you handle and go through life, not about the steps you hit on your way there.
Getting married.
A few weeks ago, I met up with an old friend I hadn’t seen in three years. We chatted over dinner and he said he couldn’t believe I was married. I told him that married life is not any different than living with my boyfriend, which we’d done for almost two years before tying the knot.
Successful marriage requires you to be more considerate and thoughtful of the decisions you make, but just being married doesn’t make you any more of an adult. I’ve seen so many people get married for the wrong reasons — even though they knew it was a bad idea.
Marriage doesn’t require any sort of special adulting hall pass. Walking down the aisle can seem like an adult decision, but the reality is that all you really need is $20 and a piece of paper.
Getting married does not make you good at relationships, it doesn’t make you more mature and it certainly doesn’t make you happier. It can give you a tax break and a whole lot of wedding gifts, but marriage is really something you do because it feels right, not because you’re at “that point” your life.
Buying a new car.
If you’re used to driving around in a used car or your mom’s hand-me-down, buying a new shiny car can feel like the most adult decision. But buying a new car is one of the worst ways to start off your adult financial life.
A new car loses its value as soon as you drive off the lot, and the monthly payments can impact your ability to save for retirement, an emergency fund, or something else you really want.
I know it can feel embarrassing to drive an old car after all your friends have upgraded. I still had my 1999 Toyota Avalon that while most of my friends were driving cars actually produced in this millennium.
But I didn’t want a new car. I wanted to pay off my student loans, save for an emergency fund, and travel the world. New car payments would have only made all these things impossible.
Adulting is about creating a life you want and you’re happy with, not one that’s based on other people’s decisions or what society says you should have.
Buying a house.
Buying a house is the ultimate purchase. Until you buy a home, you’ve been living somewhere that doesn’t belong to you. For most people, a home is the biggest asset — and a mortgage is the biggest monthly expense.
A mortgage is not just something adults “do.” It’s a huge financial decision that you shouldn’t take on if you’re not ready for it. Just because everyone around you is buying houses doesn’t mean you have to get one too.
Buying a home can change the landscape of your financial future. It impacts whether or not you can move somewhere else for a better job or if you can afford to work on the road. A home can be a great investment or it can cost you thousands of dollars.
Bottom line.
Nothing automatically makes you an adult. Being an adult is about taking care of your responsibilities while creating a life that has value to you. It’s about being a person you’d be proud to be friends with. Buying a house or car or getting married doesn’t make you an adult. What you do with it does.
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Basing a marriage on dating bliss is a bad idea. Before you commit to marriage, you need to have these uncomfortable conversations. Read More...
The road to marriage can be fraught with uncertainty. Getting hitched is often the biggest decision a person makes in life. It’s easy to wonder if you’ve made the right decision – even as you walk down the aisle.
Much of that uncertainty can be avoided by with frank (read: probably uncomfortable) conversations in the early stages of your engagement. Here are five questions to ask before you start sending out wedding invites:
1. What’s your credit score?
Studies indicate that couples who have high credit scores are less likely to divorce, while those with divergent scores are more likely to split up. Money, stress, and infidelity are the top reasons for divorce, so it’s necessary for couples to discuss finances before they walk down the aisle.
A credit score can reveal how your partner handles their finances and how much they care. Credit reports show delinquent accounts, unpaid bills, and more. Your credit score reflects what’s in a credit report. It’s what lenders use to gauge a person’s creditworthiness. Think about it: if a bank won’t trust them with their money, can you?
2. Do you want kids?
In an era where being child-free is no longer as unusual as it once was, deciding whether or not to have kids is a conversation you should have before you tie the knot. If one of you wants kids but the other isn’t sure, that insecurity can spell doom for a relationship.
It’s also important to discuss how you want to raise your future children. You don’t need a dissertation on your parenting philosophy, but it may be helpful to talk about it beforehand. Fighting about the right way to parent is common for married couples and can lead to unnecessary dissent.
3. What do you want your future to look like?
Marriage is a decision you make for the present and the future, so it’s vital to know what kind of future you and your partner want. Do you want to move across the country or spend your youth traveling across the world? Do you want to settle down now and start your own business?
These questions can also depend on your significant other’s career. For example, if you’re married to someone in the military, your life may involve several cross-country moves or deployments. If your job is hectic, your partner may have to spend years waiting for you to get home at 10 p.m. That may not jive with an idea of a marriage where both people enjoy dinner together every night.
And what about retirement? If one of you just wants to have a house with lots of land and do a lot of sitting on the porch during retirement, but the other wants to get out and travel, things could get pretty strained with your relationship. If you’re working toward different life goals, it’s hard to work as a team.
4. Are you religious?
While millennials are less religious than older generations, religion can still be a dividing line for couples. This may seem minor while you’re dating, but you may encounter trouble if one person wants to spend Sunday mornings at church while the other sleeps in.
This problem can be compounded if you have children and differing opinions on what kind religious upbringing they should have. These are questions to ask when your religious traditions might be different enough to cause confusion for your future children. You need to be on the same page, and ready to give ground to the convictions of your partner — and your partner should be willing to do the same for you.
Couples who celebrate different religions should also discuss the possibility of conversion. Some partners may assume that their significant other is willing to entertain the idea, even though they may be blissfully wrong. Discussing this beforehand is essential to starting a marriage off on the right foot.
5. What bothers you about me?
In every relationship, there are qualities about your sweetheart that drive you crazy. Sometimes it feels easier to keep those comments to yourself instead of sharing them, but holding back can make you resentful and passive-aggressive.
Ask your partner what bothers you about them and share what you find annoying. The ensuing conversation will show how compatible you are, as well as how you deal with conflict and different expectations.
Asking these questions does not guarantee you’ll stay together forever, but maintaining an open line of communication can ensure a happier, healthier marriage. Talking about the important things is a good habit to cultivate throughout your life. What better time to start than now?
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Having kids can be a rewarding experience. Many of us like the idea of finding the one we love and starting a family. But when is right the time to start a family?
Deciding when to have kids — and how many to have — is one of the most important decisions we make as adults. After all, there is no greater responsibility than raising another human being. However, if you like planning, you might not be sure when to have your first child, or how to proceed.
There are many different ideas about when to start a family. Researchers suggest timing your start based on your age and likely fertility. You might also want to decide whether it makes sense for you to start early, or start late. There are merits to having kids when you’re younger, as well as having them when you’re older. Plus, you don’t want to forget about the importance of financial and emotional preparation ahead of starting a family.
Concepts
How interested are you in having kids?
The importance of stability in a child’s life and early development.
How childcare factors into development.
A look at trends for those who start a family, including singles and co-parenting without romance.
Financial considerations associated with having children.
Tips for raising a family frugally.
The reality that it’s impossible to be truly ready to have children.
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Soulmates may not look like you expect
Are humans naturally polygamous?
“Made for each other” could ruin your relationship
An arranged marriage might work better
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