Category: Relationships

Someone you care about is hurting and you want to help. Before you open your mouth, let’s take a look at what’s really helpful and what’s not. Read More...

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Zina Kumok

I’ve dealt with my share of grief in the last year, both personally and through my friends and family. In that time, I’ve learned that saying the right thing to a grieving person can be a tricky prospect – both through hearing some eye-rolling phrases from other people and doing the same thing myself.

It might seem overly complicated to toe the line between caring and callous, but it’s worth it to try. People in grief are sensitive, and they need the people around them to respect that fragile state. Saying the wrong thing can easily send a grieving friend into a spiral of negativity, while the right thing can help carry them through the day.

Here are some of the worst – and best – things to say to someone in grief.

The worst things to say.

The Same Thing Happened to Me Once…

When someone is in the middle of a crisis, the last thing they want to hear is your story about the time you were in exactly the same situation. It shifts the dialogue from their troubles to yours and implies that the situation will work out fine just like it did for you.

Doing this minimizes the other person’s struggle. Even if you’re just trying really hard to relate, it usually comes off as attention-seeking behavior. No matter how similar your situation is, hearing about it probably won’t make the other person feel better.

People in misery don’t want to feel like their problems don’t matter. They need to feel heard and acknowledged, even if they’re going through a relatively common situation. They probably know they aren’t the first person to struggle in this way – they just don’t need to be reminded of it.

It Could Always Be Worse

Do you remember being a kid, complaining about something inane and stupid and having your parents remind you about the starving kids in Africa? It didn’t make you feel better as a five-year-old forced to eat Brussel sprouts, and it won’t make you feel better now.

Misery is not mutually exclusive. Just because there are people living without running water doesn’t mean the death of your pet is any less sad. Telling someone that there’s something worse out there is akin to saying, “Your problems aren’t big enough and you don’t deserve to feel bad.”

Of course, things could always be worse, but knowing that doesn’t really help.

I Couldn’t Handle This

After my friend Melissa’s boyfriend died, people kept telling her the same thing: “I don’t know how you’re dealing with it. I wouldn’t be able to.”

She wasn’t sure how to respond. Were they trying to compliment her composure or remind her of the gravity of her situation?

As with many of these situations, the intention was probably innocent but misguided. People dealing with tragedy aren’t heroes or saints – they’re just getting by one day at a time because they have no other choice. Empty flattery isn’t going to make them feel better.

Aren’t You Over It Yet?

Everyone has their own way of grieving and how they do so is not up for debate. Getting over a death or bad health diagnosis like getting over a breakup. Everyone does it in their own time.

Never suggest that someone might be mourning too long. It’s an entirely unique process that has no set timeline. A widower isn’t obligated to get over his wife in six months or a year or even six years.

On the other hand, don’t tell someone that they’re getting over a spouse or partner too quickly.

God Has a Plan

This is a common phrase you’ll hear when tragedy strikes, especially if you live in the Midwest or the Bible Belt. I’m not a religious person so I really don’t care when someone says they’ll pray for me, but I really hate hearing “God has a plan.” I don’t believe that God plans for bad things to happen or that my pain is meant to teach me some kind of lesson.

Even if the person you’re speaking to is religious, it’s probably still best to avoid telling them God has a reason for their pain and suffering. Even the most devout Christian might recoil at hearing about God’s plan for their sister to die in her 30s.

If you’re talking to someone suffering a loss, don’t tell them, “They’re in a better place.” It doesn’t make anyone happy to imagine their loved one in heaven, and considering that about 25% of Americans are atheist, it’s probably best to leave God out of the equation entirely.

How Did it Happen?

When bad things happen, nosy people want to know all the details. They don’t care if it’s hurtful or inappropriate to repeat the story. They just want to satisfy their inner gossip and get the scoop.

If someone wants to tell you how their husband died in a car crash because they weren’t wearing a seatbelt, it’s their prerogative. But don’t ask them the details of the crash – and especially don’t insinuate with your question that it’s their fault they died.

Let Me Know What I Can Do

This phrase, while full of good intentions, is mostly meaningless. Sure, we’d all like to think that if our friend needed something, they’d tell us exactly what they want. But it doesn’t work like that.

It’s awkward to ask for help, and most people don’t want to feel like a burden. When my friend Jess had oral surgery a few years ago, I offered to bring her some homemade soup so she would have something to eat while recovering.

She gladly accepted my offer and it felt good bringing her something useful. If I had told her, “Let me know if you need something,” it’s unlikely that she would have said, “Can you make me chicken noodle soup tomorrow and bring it by my house?”

Have a specific idea in mind. If there’s nothing physical you can do, text or call to check in. You can even drop by if you think that would go over well. Initiating contact reminds them that they’re not alone, and offering a specific favor will seem more genuine. Come over and take the dogs for a long walk, cook a big batch of chili or do their laundry. These small actions will say more than an hour-long conversation.

Don’t do anything you’re not comfortable with. If you’re going to institute a regular favor, like mowing the lawn every couple weeks, don’t slack off. Give as much as you can and only what you’re comfortable with.

Saying Nothing at All

When something bad happens to you, it can make the people in your life feel uncomfortable. They don’t know what to say or how to say it. Instead of saying the wrong thing, sometimes they’ll say nothing at all.

That hurts more. By refusing not to acknowledge what you’re going through, it’s like they’re saying, “Your pain is too much for me to bear, so I’m going to pretend everything’s fine, even if that hurts you.”

If you’re the type who gets uncomfortable during sad or awkward situations, you should still make an effort to reach out, even if it’s just to say, “I’m thinking about you.”

Staying away from that person will only make them feel forgotten, lonely and isolated during a time when they should feel surrounded by love. My friend Melissa said when people stopped reaching out, it felt like they were telling her, “I got over what happened and it’s time you did too.”

The best things to say.

Obviously, there are some things it’s better not to say to someone grieving, but that doesn’t mean you should avoid trying to help. There are a few phrases that can help to lighten their mood and bring some modicum of comfort.

It’s OK to not feel OK.

People going through hard times are often told to keep their chin up or look on the bright side. They’re reminded to count their blessings and be grateful for what they have.

It makes sense to tell others to be optimistic, to not lose hope or fall into despair – but telling someone to be positive is a toxic attitude. People can’t help feeling crappy during a crappy time, and telling them to be the opposite feels fake and forced.

Sometimes, a person in grief has no choice but to feel shitty. No matter how uncomfortable or sad it might make other people, it’s ok to feel pain. By letting someone feel their feelings, it helps them deal with the problem instead of avoiding it.

How are you doing today?

The general question of “How are you” can seem too overwhelming to answer when you’re going through a rough patch. Asking a parent who just lost their child how they’re doing can seem like a dumb question. How do you think they’re doing? They’re devastated, they’re in mourning, and they’ll never feel normal again. Do you really want to hear how they are?

Instead, ask them how they’re doing today. It’s easier for them to answer and you’re more likely to get a genuine response. When you’re grieving or dealing with a health scare, each day is different. Some days will be especially hard, while others will be almost close to normal.

Wow, that really sucks

Nobody wants their pain diminished, no matter how trivial it might seem. If a friend of yours loses her pet rat and you think rats are a dumb pet, the only thing you should say in that scenario is, “Wow, that really sucks.”

Acknowledging their pain actually makes them feel better. It’s you telling them, “I see what you’re going through and I’m accepting that it’s real.” Avoiding the topic or trying to mitigate it makes them feel like they’re crazy for being upset.

Just thinking about you

It’s easy to forget about your friend’s horrible news after weeks have gone by. Unfortunately, that’s probably when they need to hear from you most. People move on quickly. Flowers die, cards go in the trash and casseroles are devoured.

It’s during those times that a person starts feeling like they need to get over it since most of their family and friends have. Don’t be that person. Check in with your friend weeks and months after the incident with a simple text, “Just thinking about you. I’m free to talk if you want.”

Nobody wants to feel forgotten, and the reminder that someone is still thinking about you can bring a sense of relief.

I Don’t Know What to Say

Sometimes, there are no words – yet everyone feels the need to be Oprah and say something inspirational. During those moments, it’s better to be humble. Saying, “I don’t know what to say,” is better than pretending to have all the right answers. It’s honest and shows humility.

Use these moments to listen and be there for your friend. I’ve often found that they’re not looking to hear the perfect thing from me – they just want to talk and share their feelings without judgment.

What to do when you say the wrong thing.

It’s happened to all of us. You’ll be talking to your friend who’s just lost her parent or partner and you inadvertently put your foot in your mouth. As soon as the words come out, you realize what you’ve done and that it’s too late.

When you mess up, it’s tempting to retreat into your cocoon and pretend it never happened.

But that’s not what you should do. As soon as you realize your goof, call or text the person and apologize for what you said. Tell them you love them and don’t want to cause them more pain and suffering. More often than not, they’ll understand what you meant and forgive your slip-up.

Yes, it’s going to be awkward if you apologize, but it’ll strengthen your relationship in the end. You won’t be the first person to say something stupid, but you might be the first who says they’re sorry.

Do you have any tips on how to help a grieving person? Let us know in the adultingHALP Facebook community. 

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If you’re struggling financially, is there ever a good way to ask your parents for help? Read More...

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Casey Bond

The idea of borrowing money from friends or family has always made me feel…gross.

In all honesty, I’d rather be broke than deal with the icky feeling of owing someone money.

There’s something about introducing a financial transaction into a personal relationship that almost always ends up in some sort of discomfort — especially when parents are involved.

One day, you’re the independent, successful adult you struggled so hard to become, proud of your accomplishments and your ability to handle your shit.

The next day, you’re once again that awkward sixteen-year-old begging for gas money. It’s humiliating.

But sometimes asking your parents for financial help is unavoidable. In fact, about half of college students expect their parents to support them financially for up to two years after graduation.

Maybe it’s not so bad to ask your parents for money.

While your first instinct is to cringe at the idea of asking your parents for cash, the reality is that it might not be that bad.

First of all, they’re your parents. They’ve taken care of you, and they probably expect you to eventually be able to return the favor. They’ll always love you and probably be willing to help out.

Plus, they’ve had years to grow their wealth while you’re still getting used to the idea of paying someone for running water. When you combine your need for financial help with the potential to learn from your parents, it doesn’t seem so bad to get a little help and encouragement.

So whether you’re struggling to find post-college employment and need to move back in for a while, or you’re a few thousand dollars shy of owning your first home, here’s how to navigate the tricky conversation of asking for financial help from Mom and Dad:

Decide if you need a gift or a loan.

Before you even broach the subject, determine exactly what it is you’re asking for.

Depending on your mom or dad’s personality, you might be more likely to receive a loan than a handout. If so, figure out exactly how much you need to borrow, how long it will take to repay the loan, and whether or not you will also pay interest.

Many parents like the idea of a loan because you are showing a certain level of responsibility. You don’t just ask your parents for money; you make it clear you’re asking for help and you plan to repay the money. This can be a good strategy.

Many parents won’t even require interest. Or, if they do, they charge 1% or 2% APR. The good news is that there are websites that can help you create these types of agreements with each other.

One app is Frank, which makes it easy to set up loans between friends and family, and manage repayment — all without awkwardness. Sometimes you just need to have that third party (even if it’s not a real person) to provide a bit of a buffer.

On the other hand, you might know very well there’s no way you will be able to pay the money back. In that case, you’re asking your parents for a gift, not a loan.

Instead of making promises you can’t keep, be prepared to state your case as to what, exactly, you need and why your parents should be willing to make the investment.

Which brings us to the next step.

Have a solid case to present.

You might technically be an adult, but in your parents’ eyes, you will always be their child. However, this is not a situation in which you want to be viewed as immature or childish. You need to appear prepared, confident, and accountable.

If you’re going to ask your parents for money as a gift, you need to have an action plan ready to present. Write it down, review it several times, and believe in it. Know the weak points so you can properly address them.

Talk to your parents calmly and explain your situation clearly. Be prepared to negotiate. And above all else, don’t get emotional or attempt to manipulate their emotions.

It. Will. Backfire.

Don’t compromise your parents’ finances.

How to Ask Your Parents for Money

Some parents are willing to sacrifice everything to help out their kids, no questions asked. Others prefer to send their children to the School of Hard Knocks, even if they have to repeat a few grades.

If your parents are more like the former, be especially sensitive to how your request for financial assistance will impact their well-being.

Will Mom have to dip into her 401(k) to cover your student loan debt? Is Dad planning to work a few more years so you can get back on your feet? Be real about the impact you will have on their lives. They’ve already given you so much. Should they be sacrificing so you can be a digital nomad or get an expensive graduate degree?

It’s one thing to ask for $1,000 to help you cover unexpected car repairs. It’s quite another to ask for $15,000 to pay off the last of your student debt.

Ask yourself if you’re really okay with being the person who jeopardizes your parents’ golden years after they’ve worked so hard — for decades — to reach them.

Yeah, didn’t think so.

Should you even do it?

Turning to the Bank of Mom and Dad can be tempting when you’re seriously short on cash. But there’s a host of potential landmines when you ask for money from the people who used to change your diapers.

First, ask yourself if this is going to cause problems with boundaries you’ve been trying to enforce. It’s hard to make demands of your parents if you keep turning to them for financial help.

Consider whether you’re looking to your parents for financial support because it seems easy or because that’s really your only option.

You’re a grownass adult, so if you have the ability to do a little extra work to solve the problem yourself, try that before you ask your parents for money.

There’s nothing wrong with getting help from Mom and Dad if they’re willing and you’re in a tight spot. You shouldn’t take advantage, though.

It’s almost always best to suck it up and figure it out on your own if you can. After all, they’ve already made the biggest investment in you anyone ever will. They raised you.

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Divorce doesn’t have to be a drama-filled ordeal, even if you feel like your heart’s been torn apart. Read More...

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Miranda Marquit

“Sarene had never married — it was illogical to believe two people could remain compatible for a lifetime …” (Robert Jordan, Lord of Chaos, pg. 489).

Even if you know that your person and you will both change over time, the reality is that you don’t get married expecting a divorce.

Almost no one does. Even if you sign a pre-nup, chances are you don’t really plan to divorce. It’s just a precaution.

Unfortunately, sometimes a divorce is just the way things shake out.

Divorce almost always comes as a surprise — to at least one of the parties.

Even though I had noticed some incompatibilities between my husband and me over the years, it was a shock to me when he asked for a divorce.

I was truly surprised. In fact, even though we’d had some problems over the years, I thought we were working through them better. Things had seemed smooth for a while. Then, one day as we were making plans for some quality time together during the coming week, he just sort of blurted out that he wanted to split.

I felt hurt and betrayed and a number of other emotions. As was natural.

But those feelings didn’t stop me from deciding that it was important to learn how to divorce like an adult — and do it quickly for the sake of our son and our own sanity.

Let it out and let it go.

You don’t have to bottle everything up when you divorce like an adult. I cried every morning for two weeks. One day, I lost it and went on a rage-fueled, profanity-laden tirade at my husband. That was the least adult interaction we had, and he was gracious through it all, letting me get it out and apologizing that his choices put us in this situation. (Our son was nowhere near, which was important.)

After letting it all out that time, I realized that I also had to let go. Let go of the hurt and anger and sadness, and replace it with purpose. It’s not always easy, even two and half years later.

Sometimes I feel angry or upset. There are times I feel a little bitter when I think about what should have been my life. I look at the things I’ve had to accept and do and settle for because of this situation, and I feel angry. But I acknowledge those feelings and let them go.

Besides, I look around and realize that I have a pretty great life right now. It’s not perfect (whose life really is, anyway?), but the bitter feelings well up much less often than they used to. Time has helped. And so has letting go of the feelings after I’ve experienced them.

Being angry doesn’t help anyone, and it holds me back. Plus, it’s not healthy for my son to live with me if I’m negative. Letting go is one of the most important things you can when you are ready to divorce like an adult.

Your kids aren’t bargaining chips.

It’s tempting to bring the kids into the situation.

This is a terrible thing to do to the people you love.

Your kids need love and support — and they need to see a united front. Even when you are divorced, you still need to coparent. Just because I was angry at my ex, it doesn’t mean that he’s a bad person. He’s still my son’s father, and they need to have a good relationship.

Unless there is actual abuse involved (and you need to do what it takes to protect them), your children will be better off if you both act like grown-ups and are kind to each other.

My ex and I consult on major purchases related to my son. I’m not buying him a laptop until I discuss it with my ex, and we regularly talk about consequences, and school, and other parenting issues. Staying on the same page keeps the kids from playing you off of one another and helps them see that you can handle the situation like healthy adults.

Your friends aren’t bargaining chips, either.

The same is true of your friends. Don’t make them pick sides.

In the last couple of years since the divorce, my ex and I have done things together with friends. We went to a basketball game with one couple. We also got together with another group of friends for a New Year’s Eve party.

Don’t pump your mutual friends for info about your ex, either. While I’m pretty reserved in what I say to our mutual friends, I also acknowledge that he probably needs a safe place to go.

Besides, unless what my ex is doing will affect our son and those visits, it’s none of my business. He’s got his own life, and there’s no reason for me to pry. Especially if it will make things awkward with my friends.

Keep calm and communicate.

How to Divorce Like an Adult: Keep Calm and Communicate

Other than The Incident, my ex and I talked calmly throughout the entire process, even doing our research to figure out how to divorce in the most cost-efficient manner.

It helps that we are both reasonable, grownass adults who aren’t trying to destroy other people’s lives.

We sat down and talked through what would be the best way for us both to get a fresh start. We were calm when talking about the issues, and when one of us started feeling stressed about it, we took a break to regroup.

Dragging it out and trying to “stick it” to the other person doesn’t help anyone. The only people that benefit are the lawyers. We saved money on the divorce by divvying everything up on our own, and acknowledging that we were both working toward the goal of a good start.

Do I sometimes wish that my ex’s desire for divorce didn’t come with the current results? Sure. Am I going to try to ruin his life? Nope.

I’ve got better things to do. Like get on with my own life.

Can you remain on good terms?

Learning how to divorce like an adult isn’t just about settling it like grownups and moving on. If you don’t have any of the same friends or you don’t have children together, you may never have to see your former S.O. again. And that’s cool if that’s the way you want it.

But I’ve got a child with my ex, and I have relationships with members of his family because we were married for 13½ years. So he’s part of my life. Permanently.

Actually, we’re pretty good friends. We text and talk regularly. Our relationship is the best it’s been in probably three years. The first Christmas after the divorce, when I went to collect my son after holiday time with dad, we got together with his parents and had dinner. Like normal families do. We also enjoyed a pretty kick-ass family vacation (just the three of us) to New York in July.

We’ve spent Christmas together since, and had some solid family time together during summer months. My ex even came and stayed a week with us here in Idaho.

While things are changing a bit as my ex gets involved with dating and I deal with a situationship, we still remain on friendly terms.

In fact, even though I won’t be staying over the summer for as long, we’re still planning a nice family dinner. I’ll be out there for business anyway, and my son is spending most of the summer with his dad, so we’ll all hang out for a day or two.

Real talk: divorce.

Divorce doesn’t have to be toxic and drama-filled. We seem to have this idea in society that divorce has to be terrible, and you have to go around trying to ruin each other’s lives.

Or we have this idea that someone is an awful person for asking for a divorce. But that’s not the case. Sometimes it just doesn’t work anymore. And because relationship dynamics are increasingly equal, there’s no reason to stick out a marriage if you’re unhappy.

Divorcing like an adult doesn’t mean that it will be all unicorns and rainbows. There are hard choices to make, and emotions can run high. It’s not fun.

But, at the same time, a divorce also doesn’t have to turn your life into a pit of despair. There are ways for you to approach the situation in a mature manner, and come up with a way to give you both the best potential start in your new lives.

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Always coming up short when you’re out. Never paying their fair share. What do you do when you’re always covering? Read More...

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Casey Bond

We’ve all had that friend. You know the one.

When the dinner bill comes, they severely underestimate their share (let alone account for tax and tip). You spot them $10 here and $20 there — and they always “forget” to pay you back.

But you let it slide every time. After all, what’s a few bucks among good friends?

That used to be your attitude.

Lately, your desire for a person’s company has a perfect negative correlation to how much of their crap you are required to put up with. You are, in fact, too old for this shit.

You’d like to stay friends with your broke friend, but it seems like an almost impossible task. If you want to maintain the friendship, it will take a little work. And maybe a couple of drastic measures.

Here’s how to deal with that friend who makes you feel more like a bank than their buddy — without killing the relationship.

Be honest.

The great thing about friends (real friends — not the people you pretend to like out of various social obligations) is that you can tell them the truth and they’ll still be your friend. A true friend gets that sometimes you say and do things out of tough love.

You’re not doing anyone any favors by pretending your pal’s poor money etiquette doesn’t bother you. Besides, leaving those feelings festering just creates an uncomfortable situation for everyone. Your friends can sense your displeasure.

So the next time they leave you hanging with the bill, be up front and tell them how much they owe right then and there. Clear the air.

Add that you’re pretty strapped for cash as well and can’t afford to cover them. Consistently push back rather than ignore the behavior. Eventually, they’ll get it and stop mooching all the time.

And if this honesty does cause a rift in your relationship, it’s probably time to reevaluate whether you two shared a real friendship at all. No one likes being the ATM all the time.

Find cheap or free things to do.

A novel idea, right?

As much as you’re annoyed by your pal’s perpetual brokeness, they likely feel pressured to keep up with the group financially, too. After all, if your group is always going out, the FOMO is real for you — and for your annoying broke friend.

That’s a tough spot to be in. As a friend, though, you can be part of the solution. Find ways to spend quality time together that don’t force your buddy into yet another awkward situation. There’s no reason to hit the clubs every weekend or go out to expensive restaurants.

Besides, one of the best things about friends is that all you really need is each other’s company to have an awesome time.

Check your local weekly for low-cost and free events such as concerts, art exhibits, and movie screenings. Have a picnic at the beach (or in the park). Go for a hike. Get dressed up, pretend you’re rich, and hop from one open house to the next while eating all their snacks along the way.

Or, just have a chill evening at home, playing games and laughing.

No matter what you do, the important thing is that you have fun together — without spending a ton of money. Once you start getting creative about these types of activities, it’s easy to have a good time without breaking the bank.

Consider it a gift.

That Annoying Broke Friend

When your friend does ask for money, and you feel comfortable parting with the cash, treat it as a gift.

Loaning money turns a personal relationship into one of business, which opens the door for guilt and resentment on both sides — especially if the borrower isn’t able to pay up.

When you loan money, things get weird. Often, it’s better to just consider it a gift. Or, take turns paying for each other. However, if your broke friend can’t (or won’t) take a rightful turn, that can get just as ugly. When you give money to someone you are pretty sure won’t pay you back, just think of it as money gone and move on.

Bottom line.

It’s your choice whether or not you want to support your friend financially — and it’s perfectly fine if you do.

Keep in mind, however, that you can’t expect things to change if you continue to enable the situation. If your friend starts to rely on you, and the situation suddenly changes, you could be doing your friend a huge disservice. It’s vital to think through the implications.

Friendship is something that only becomes more precious as you grow older. As you watch your time with friends dwindle, you might worry that soon there will be no one left. As a result, it can be tempting to over-compromise in order to avoid conflict.

But true friendship is also built on honesty and desire to make each other happy. It’s a relationship that involves give and take. If you’re always the giver, it can get old fast. So don’t be afraid to share your feelings in a caring but straightforward manner if things are becoming unbearable.

Besides, you also have to think of your own money situation. At some point, you need to stop sacrificing your own well-being on behalf of someone who offers nothing in return. If your own financial goals are jeopardized in order to keep the peace between you and a broke friend, that friendship probably isn’t worth it in the first place.

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Ghosting is the ultimate passive-aggressive avoidance behavior. Here’s what to do when it happens to you. Read More...

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Casey Bond

Things have been going great: you’re texting daily, flirting over social media, maybe even Netflix and chilling every now and then.

At least, you were.

Recently, the texts have slowed to infrequent, one-word responses. Your DMs don’t seem to be going through. You watched The End of the F***ing World alone last weekend and spent waaaaaay too much time on YouTube.

To the objective observer, it’s clear what is going on. He (or she) is just not that into you and wishes you would take the hint.

In other words, you’re in the middle of being ghosted.

Or, just maybe, you’ve already been ghosted.

Have you really been ghosted?

Unfortunately, attraction turns even the most logical individual into an optimistic idiot.

Maybe he’s just really, really busy. Perhaps she had a family emergency. You’ll hear back when everything gets straightened out — but let’s send another text just in case the previous 15 somehow weren’t received.

While attempts to rationalize the situation after weeks of radio silence might be foolish, those feelings of hurt and betrayal are not. The act of ghosting is a growing phenomenon that can be confusing and painful for the person left wondering what happened.

But with growing reliance on digital means of communication, ghosting is becoming a popular strategy for ending a relationship while avoiding conflict. In fact, if someone thinks they can honestly avoid bumping into you for a few months (and hopefully forever), they will likely go ahead and ghost you.

We live in a world where people hide behind semi-anonymity all the time. We don’t like dealing with unpleasantness, and a real, actual break-up is the definition of unpleasant.

When you’re on the receiving end, though, it’s brutal. Here’s your survival guide for being ghosted:

Stop trying.

Sure, it’s possible there are exceptional circumstances preventing the person in question from getting back to you. As more time passes, your desire to find out what’s wrong increases.

You tell yourself you need closure. Can’t they just get back to you and tell you why? You try to convince yourself that you’ll be fine if it’s over — as long as they just explain everything. After all, they owe you the courtesy.

Just stop. If they really wanted to talk to you, they would find a way. A sudden, prolonged halt in communication is a strong sign they not only want to break things off but don’t respect your feelings enough to tell you in person — or at least over the phone.

Real talk: they’ve probably moved on to someone else (who they will likely end up treating the exact same way).

In the long-run, you’ll come away with your dignity intact if you stop trying to make contact after one or two follow-ups. Obsessing over it isn’t doing you any favors. It doesn’t hurt them, and all it does is sap your emotional energy and bring you down. They’re not worth your energy, so stop giving it to them.

And if it turns out they were trapped in an abandoned mineshaft for two weeks with no cell service, I’m sure you’ll get a call as soon as possible.

Understand it’s them, not you.

So You've Been Ghosted

“It is a form of avoidance,” said Lisa Bahar, a marriage and family therapist based in Newport Beach, CA. Bahar explained that ghosting is a behavior meant to communicate that the person doesn’t want any more contact for now — without actually having to communicate.

In other words, the act of ghosting is one of immaturity. A person who ghosts is overwhelmed by either a crippling fear of confrontation or a shameful lack of empathy for others.

Either way, it’s not a good look — for them.

That lack of emotional awareness would like have manifested in other ways throughout a prolonged relationship. Trite as it might sound, it’s better to find this out somewhat early on, before you’ve put too much of your life, time, energy, and (possibly) money into the relationship.

It’s important to understand that being ghosted is nothing personal. People who ghost simply lack the basic social skills that dictate we show consideration for others.

Focus on yourself.

So screw them. You are no less attractive, intelligent, or interesting because someone didn’t have the balls to speak to you directly and honestly. That’s their problem and it’s not your responsibility to fix it.

Really, don’t try to fix it.

Don’t concoct elaborate emotional revenge schemes and don’t think about what you’ll say to them when you run into them at the bar. Don’t think about how you’ll teach them a lesson. It’s not your job to turn someone into a decent human being.

Bahar recommended processing your feelings with a therapist or trusted confidant while giving the ghoster space.

“Avoid asking for explanations,” she said, and instead find healthy outlets for releasing your frustration and anger.

Then move on with your life. After all, what’s greater payback than not giving a shit?

Actually, scratch that. You don’t want to even think about payback.

Instead, get to know you. Enjoy yourself doing things you like. It’s ok to spend time alone and like it. In fact, you might be happier single once you get to know yourself.

Bottom line.

Adult relationships are hard. They require candor, compromise, and the acceptance that sometimes it’s just not going to work out. But the hardest things in life also tend to be the most rewarding in the end.

When someone ghosts you, it’s clear that they weren’t willing to put in the work. Instead, if you want a relationship, you deserve to be with someone who puts in the same amount of work you do. Don’t waste your time on someone who can’t be bothered with your feelings.

Ghosting happens, but that doesn’t make it okay. You don’t like to be ghosted, so show others the same courtesy if you’re not feeling it.

Don’t give in to the temptation to go dark on someone just because you’re afraid to talk to them. Treating others with compassion — even if the actual passion is gone — is the easiest way to receive the same in return.

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It’s ok to get your freak on. Here’s how to do it comfortably with your partner. Read More...

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Zina Kumok

If your sexual tastes go beyond the traditional, you’re not alone – Americans are getting kinkier by the minute.

As a society, we’ve started to move past the stigma and shame associated with fetishes and kinks. But not everyone is comfortable exploring their kinkier side, and that can cause serious problems in a relationship.

Mismatched sexual desires can be a relationship-killer, and many people avoid the conversation altogether. Unfortunately, that doesn’t make the problem go away.

If you’re the kinky one in a relationship, it’s up to you to make sure your sexual needs are being fulfilled. Your partner might not be open to trying everything, but you might also be surprised at how receptive they are. Some people need a little encouragement to bring out their freaky side.

Before you give up hope, here are a few things to try:

Talk about it with your partner.

This probably sounds like a no-brainer, but it’s shocking just how many relationship issues persist due to a lack of communication.

If you’ve been scared to bring up your kinky side to your partner, now’s the perfect time to tell them. Start off slow. Talk about your favorite kink, and why it turns you on. Make sure you’re in a setting where you’re both comfortable and alone.

Find out if they are interested in learning more. If they are open to it, maybe send them a link to your favorite porn video with that kink and ask them what they think. Ask them subtle questions about the fetish, like if they’ve ever tried it or been interested.

Gauge their responses carefully. Do they sound curious or turned off?

Take it slow, and give your partner time to think.

Sex therapist Lanae St. John of The MamaSutra says you should do this during a non-sexual time so the person doesn’t feel pressured to decide to try something right away. Also, never demonstrate the kink on your partner without their full and affirmative consent. Your partner needs to feel safe in order to explore something new.

You can also send them a link to Mojo Upgrade, a sex questionnaire that examines your interest in various sexual positions, scenarios, and fetishes. You’ll each take the questionnaire separately, and the site will only send you a list of ideas you’re both into. That way, there’s no fear of you exposing your wildest fantasies to a partner who’s not into it.

These are non-threatening ways to bring up your kink. And it’s vital that you do so in a way that doesn’t put pressure on your partner. If you feel like you need a little distance, the Mojo Upgrade can help — as can my next suggestion.

See a sex therapist together.

If you’re still having trouble communicating your desires, see a sex therapist. A sex therapist specializes in helping people understand their sexual needs and fulfill them in a consensual way.

A sex therapist can help your partner understand why you like something, and help you realize why your significant other might be apprehensive. You can find a qualified professional through the American Association of Sexuality Educators, Counselors and Therapists.

One of our favorite sex educators is Bez Stone. She offers insights into why we’re so uncomfortable with sex, and what you can do about it. Sometimes, it’s less about the kinkiness and more about understanding your partner and being able to have a mutually satisfying experience based on grownup realities, rather than the erroneous information we received as teenagers.

Praise them for trying something kinky.

A partner who isn’t kinky the same way you are might feel scared to try it, even if it’s a common scenario like bondage or choking.

Going out on a limb sexually is a frightening experience for many people. If they decide to go along with your idea, be encouraging, supportive and avoid criticism. Yes, they might not be doing it “right,” but at least they’re doing it.

It’s the same way you’d treat a boyfriend who bakes your favorite dessert on your birthday. Sure, the cake might not taste the same way your mom made it, but you should still show your appreciation. A person who feels shamed for doing something is less likely to try it again. You can still offer suggestions or corrections, but be gentle, understanding, and show your enthusiasm for the next time.

Avoid pressure.

If there’s one thing that will destroy your sex life, it’s pressuring your partner to do something they aren’t interested in. It’s ok to mention a fetish a few times, but if your partner always says no or seems uncomfortable, stop bringing it up. Pressuring your partner probably won’t work, and even if it does it will just lead to resentment.

Sometimes, backing off and waiting a while to bring the issue up again works better. Your partner might want more time to get used to the idea. If they’re unsure, waiting could show them how willing you are to be patient and understanding.

Decide if it’s a dealbreaker.

While sex isn’t necessarily the most important thing in a relationship, it is a vital component of a healthy romantic partnership. In my college psych class, we learned about the Venn diagram of relationships. It had three circles: love, sex, and friendship.

Image credit: Alivox.net

If you have sex and love, you have a relationship based on lust and infatuation. When you have friendship and sex, you’re friends-with-benefits. If you only have friendship and love, you’re missing the physical component.

To have a successful partnership, all three circles need to align. When sex is missing or inadequate, a third of your relationship becomes fractured. If your sex life starts to feel lackluster and your partner is unwilling to change, it could be time to move on.

And, quite frankly, it can help to figure this out before you get married (if you decide to marry). After all, what happens if you are a couple years into a marriage before you realize that your sex life is a total dealbreaker. Even if you decide not to have sex before marriage, talking about the kinky stuff you like ahead of time can at least give you a clue — and even be a warning to your potential mate.

Where to go next with your relationship.

St. John says that sometimes couples with mismatched sex interests go outside of their relationships to find what they’re looking for. This kind of open relationship doesn’t work for everyone, but it is an option in some cases. But making an open relationship work is its own challenge.

Carefully think about what matters most to you and your partner. Think through the situation to see if you can make something kinky work, or if you need to seek satisfaction elsewhere. Be realistic and open as you go on this journey.

And invite your partner to come with you. Your partner might surprise you.

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We all speak different languages. Learn how to speak your SO’s. Read More...

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John Schneider

Before Gary Chapman published The 5 Love Languages in 1995 partners have been struggling to try and decipher each other.

“Why does she touch me like that?”

“Why won’t he touch me like that?”

“Why does she say those things?”

“Why doesn’t he stop talking?”

The arrival of a manual helped couples learn how to better communicate. After all, the way we communicate love differs from person to person. You might need a translator to ensure that you and your partner aren’t constantly unhappy due to misunderstandings.

On one hand, it may seem ideal to have a partner who has the same love language as you. On the other, it could lead to a boring, one-dimensional relationship.

To be fair, though, having a partner with a different love language is a challenge. You both want certain things that the other may not be able to give — or they just may not understand what you’re asking for.

It doesn’t have to be that way. Better understanding your partner’s love language can lead to better communication. When you start to speak your partner’s love language, they’ll start to speak yours. Then, you have better communication, which leads to more happiness — and more and better sex.

That’s when it gets fun. Speaking your partner’s love language doesn’t have to suck. It can prove very rewarding for both of you. So, let’s better understand each of the languages of love.

Language of affirmations.

The best three words in the world to hear are, “I have wine.” The second best three words are “I love you.” This is especially true for people who speak the love language of affirmations.

Speaking this language may be the easiest of all, and words aren’t necessarily required to speak this language. Sure, a quiet “I love you” whispered in the ear in morning is nice. Those can never be discounted – not even if you don’t speak the love language of affirmations.

However, a simple text mid-day that says, “How’s your day?” does wonders. “I’ve been thinking about you” will send them through the roof. Go to Hallmark.com and send your word-affirming partner an e-card telling them how you feel, and you’ll be the week’s biggest winner.

Satisfying a person who desires words of affirmations only requires remembering to say, send, write or text a thoughtful sentence once in a while.

Language of quality time.

Lovers who speak the love language of quality time love spending time with their partner – whatever they’re doing, regardless of what they’re doing. This can be anything from lying in bed to watching a movie to spending the day at a theme park.

The time spent together can be easy or complex. It doesn’t matter. Personally, this is my second strongest love language. Whether we’re binging Netflix, each working our own jobs in the same room, or drinking wine on our balcony, I love simply spending time with the person I love.

The best combination of partners may just be those who prefer quality time and those who prefer touch because hours spent touching each other makes both partners happy. Maybe as important as matching yourself with a partner who fits with your astrological sign is matching with a partner who fits your language of love.

Language of touch.

We’re all familiar with the love language of touch. If you were an alien who did nothing but watch television and movies on your first visit to earth, you’d think touch was the only love language of your new human friends.

The love language of touch isn’t only about lovemaking. This kind of language includes holding hands, snuggling on the couch, spooning in bed, running your fingers through your partner’s hair, massages, and more.

These people love holding hands. They appreciate a kiss on the forehead. Of course, don’t discount the sexual touching. Never. Discount. Sex.

Touching this person the right way at the right time will never suck, but . . .

Language of gifts.

You may think that lovers who speak the language of gifts keep the economy going, but that’s not entirely true. It’s also not true that those speaking this love language are materialistic. Gifts for these lovers don’t need to be expensive or even bought. They simply need to be thoughtful.

The person who speaks the love language of gifts want to know someone – you – care for them. This can be done with small gestures, such as a homemade card, a flower picked on your way home, a kiss wrapped with a bow on it.

Give a thoughtful gift to this person and they’ll shower you with all the love they can give.

Language of service.

The person who speaks the language of love isn’t looking for a Lady in Waiting or a Gentleman of the Bedchamber (here). This person appreciates when their love does for them something they can do for themselves.

This one hits home. I love cleanliness. I love when my condo is spotless. I love when there are no dishes in the sink. I love, love, love clean sheet night.

Not long ago, our Mini Cooper was filthy. Denver had a bunch of snow, and with the snow, sludge, and de-icers our Mini was a mess. When the roads and weather permitted, my husband had our car thoroughly cleaned inside and out. I was the happiest driver on the road, and this half hour and $30 investment showed me a special kind of love.

The language of service, however, is not all about cleaning. It’s holding the door open. It’s picking up the laundry. It’s making dinner. It’s taking the kids out of the house, so your partner can soak in the tub and read a good book in quiet.

Show the love of service with your partner and your lover is sure to stick with you through thick and thin.

As you can see, your S.O.’s love language doesn’t suck when you understand the kind of love they need. In fact, giving your lover the love they need will give you the love you need.

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Sure, moving back home is a great way to save money after college. But at some point you need to suck it up and move out. Read More...

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Miranda Marquit

One of the best ways to save money is to live with your parents. Food and shelter are provided, and you probably have internet access as well. As someone who has been going over to my mom’s to print stuff out for the last three weeks, I know the seduction of access to free services.

At some point in the next week or so, though, I need to suck it up and buy a printer cartridge. And at some point in the near future, you need to move out of your parents’ house.

While your parents might be willing to let you stick around for a little longer, it’s really not the best option for long-term success as an adult. At some point, it’s time to move out. Even if your parents are charging you rent (it’s probably below market rate) and expect help with chores, eventually you need to leave the nest.

If you aren’t sure it’s really time for you to get a place of your own, here are seven clues the (mostly) free ride is over:

1. You can afford your own place.

It might require a little sacrifice on your part, but if you can afford your own place, it’s time to move out. Even if you need a roommate to help you afford your first place, it’s time to move out when you have the money to take care of your own needs.

Research the local housing market. What are the rents? Look at estimated utilities. How much are groceries? If you are worried that you can’t afford all those costs, take your new budget for a test drive. Set aside what you’d pay for rent, utilities, and groceries in a savings account. If you can manage your budget with comfort for at least four months, you should definitely leave your parents’ house.

2. Conversations devolve into arguments.

Does it feel like every conversation you have with your parents devolves into an argument? As long as you live in someone else’s home, they feel they have the right to tell you how to do things. And they aren’t too far off. If you feel that you’re always arguing with your parents, it’s time to move out. Get that distance, and you might be surprised at how much your relationship with your parents improves.

This sign is less about your ability to manage your money outside your parents’ home and more about the emotional situation. It’s all about preserving the most important relationships in your life.

3. You have too much stuff.

Tired of trying to cram everything into a single bedroom? Even though I lived in a campus dorm three years out of four, I still ended up with more stuff than could reasonably fit in a bedroom at my parents’ house. When you have your own TV, computer, furniture (spare as it might be), and other trappings that make it hard to fit everything into your old bedroom, it’s probably time to move out.

And let’s engage in a little real talk. It’s not your parents’ job to store your shit in their basement or garage. My parents were ecstatic the day I took the last of my boxes down from the attic and carted it off to my own storage space. Don’t take over your parent’s home with your junk. Either pare down your belongings or move out. At the very least, get your own storage unit.

4. You’re ready for the next chapter.

One of the biggest clues it’s time to move out is that you’re ready for the next chapter. It’s practically impossible to feel like you’re moving on with your life — and becoming your own person — when you’re living with your parents and still (sometimes) being treated like a kid instead of an adult.

When you find yourself stagnating in your life, it’s time to move forward. Just moving out can help you get out of your life rut. It can energize and help you feel more grown up. After all, you’re taking care of business.

Besides, moving out and starting the next chapter doesn’t mean that you’re going ignore your parents. My son and I go to my parents’ for Sunday dinner every week, even though I’m pretty self-sufficient. You don’t have to leave your family behind just because you’re moving on with your life.

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5. Lack of privacy.

Can’t bring bae home to chill because it’s awkward? Do you have to walk outside in the freezing cold when you take a call? Does it feel like your parents are staring at you every time you leave your room? Are you expected to come out of your room and socialize regularly? You need your own space.

As you get older, you have a chance to be you. Living in a place where you can’t just let loose cramps your style, and it doesn’t help you develop into a fully functioning adult. We all need those private moments.

6. The rules are getting to you.

You want to be treated like an adult, but you feel like all the rules make you feel like a kid? It’s time to move out. You’re living in someone else’s house, and that means they make the rules.

After college, it’s hard to come back and worry about how late you stay out and what you’re doing with “me” time. Tired of living by their rules? Figure out what it takes to move and get your own place. Then you make the rules.

7. Your parents are dropping hints.

It’s not always about you and your needs and wants.

At some point, your parents are likely to want you to move out. My mom considered it a mark of success when we could get out of the house and mostly “make it” on our own. If your parents are dropping heavy hints, like sending you Craig’s List ads for rentals, it’s time to move out. The biggest clue, though, is when your parents start charging you rent. If you’re paying rent to live in your childhood bedroom, you’re not adulting.

Take the next step.

While it can be scary to move out and make it on your own, it’s something you can handle. Start by making a reasonable budget and seeing what you can afford. Save up a little so that you are ready to make the move. Let your parents know your plans and see if they can offer some support.

And, once you’re out, keep up the relationship with your parents. They have helped you for a couple decades. Maintain those family ties, and be ready to help them when they need it.

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Podcast: Play in new window | Download

Forget IQ. What you really want is better emotional intelligence. Read More...

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Podcast: Play in new window | Download

The best way to support Adulting.tv is to subscribe and leave us an honest review. Thank you!

We hear about IQ all the time — even if it’s controversial. However, book smarts and the ability to pass a test might not help you a lot in your interactions with other people. What you need to develop is emotional intelligence.

The ability connect with others is an important part of life. When you develop emotional intelligence, your relationships with others, from your friends to your coworkers to your kids to your parents to your life partner, improve immensely.

Concepts

  • What it means to be emotionally intelligent.
  • How your emotional intelligence helps you interact with others.
  • Tips for using emotional control to problem-solve.
  • The importance of being able to understand others.
  • How to develop an emotionally intelligent approach to life.
  • Tips for boost your level of emotional intelligence.
  • Learning to recognize your emotions and others.
  • How to practice different activities to make you more emotionally intelligent.

Use this week’s DO NOWs to get started with developing your emotional intelligence. Begin recording your feelings in a journal, and practice active listening. You can also begin looking for others’ good qualities and get input from others about your own personality and how you come across.

Having trouble identifying social cues? Our question this week looks at what happens when you struggle in social situations. We talk about developing emotional intelligence and how to improve your skills if needed.

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Join the Friends of Adulting! Please leave an honest review on Apple Podcasts. We would really appreciate the feedback!

Resources

Basics of emotional intelligence

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What happened to all your BFFs from high school and college? Chances are you need a new crew. Here’s what you need to know about making new friends. Read More...

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Zina Kumok

When you graduate high school, it seems like your group of friends will stay close forever. For most people, that sentiment barely lasts through college. Once you get your degree, you may assume the same thing with the new group you’ve formed at university.

As great as it would be to hang on to all the personal connections we make throughout the years, people grow apart and move away. Your best friend in college could end up being a borderline stranger before you turn 30. As popular as you may have been at any one time, you may wake up one day soon and realize: I need new friends.

It’s ok. That’s a common sentiment these days, even in a digital age where connecting to anyone around the world is possible with the click of a button. Unfortunately, connecting on a personal level is a little harder.

At this time in your life, friendships are going to be important to your health and well-being — and they’ll continue to be in the years ahead. Being active socially with friends keeps you happy, but it also keeps you healthy, because friends will encourage you to maintain healthy habits and support you as you pursue whatever health goals you have.

And in life, all your goals will find support among your friends. It’s unlikely you can achieve everything you’d like to do without that kind of moral support.

If you’ve found yourself feeling lonely, unfulfilled, or bored lately, it might be time to start the friend search. Here are some tips for making new friends.

Lower your expectations.

Once I graduated from college and moved away from my closest girlfriends, I realized how special our bond was. I’d no longer have access to my best friends any time of day without advance notice.

Adult friendships are different. It takes longer to become close to someone, and meeting people isn’t as simple as talking across the dorm hall.

Instead of getting upset that finding a BFF is harder than you imagined, you need to refine your expectations. Don’t be disappointed if you can’t find a special bond with everyone you meet; that will only discourage you from meeting new people and making new friends.

You don’t have to lower your expectations in the quality of person you look for when you choose your closest friends. Just assume that with everyone’s busier schedule — we’re all adults with adult responsibilities — the effort it takes to make and maintain connections with friends is going to be harder.

Go online.

My latest attempt at friendship-forming is through Bumble. Bumble is most often used as a dating app, like Tinder, but it also offers a Bumble BFF version where women can find other female friends.

I signed up for Bumble only a week ago and already have had a dozen matches and one official date planned this week. Anyone using the app really wants to find new girlfriends, so it’s easier to strike up a conversation.

If you’re a guy, stay patient. There may not be any great friend-finding apps for males yet, but the tide is headed in that direction. The success of Bumble for platonic-connections will likely open up a world of friendship possibilities for both genders.

It doesn’t have to be a dating or connection-making app. There are online tools that focus on the area you live in. Local Facebook groups is just one way to find those who live near you who might be open to getting together.

Find common interests.

Meetup is one of the first resources people suggested when I talked about making new friends. They were right: the site is a treasure trove of people like me. But it can also be a dud.

There are two kinds of groups on Meetup:

  1. Groups based around a mutual interest or activity.
  2. Groups based around demographics.

You can find groups for knitters, hikers, and teachers, or groups for women in their 30s who live downtown.

The problem with the latter is that besides gender and age, I might have little in common with those women. You need something besides having a vagina in common to spark a friendship.

Even if you’ve been to one Meetup meeting and didn’t find someone interesting, try again. Making new friends is a process, and often involves failing multiple times before you succeed.

I recommend joining groups centered around a hobby. This gives you an automatic talking point and provides numerous ideas for potential hangouts. Combine the hobby-centered groups with a location, and you’ll find people who are close to you who might be interested in the same types of activities. Again, Facebook is a good way to connect.

If there isn’t a group on Facebook dedicated to an interest in your region — for example, amateur photography in Philadelphia, start a group, whether on Meetup or on Facebook. You’ll quickly find interesting people to connect with. On top of that, if you are “in charge” of the group, everyone will get to know you and will be more interested in meeting you.

Take classes.

Finding your squad works best when you see them consistently. That’s why in-person classes are a great idea. They’re typically on a regular schedule and contain a small enough group that you can get to know your classmates well.

I met friends taking boxing and kettlebell classes. I plan on taking improv classes in a couple months. As with most of these ideas, it’s not enough to sign up and pay the entrance fee. You have to be willing to engage.

Fearlessly talking to people is one of the key skills you need to make friends. Most of us want to meet new people, but far fewer are brave enough to actually ask. Plus, what happens if you’re an introvert?

It’s like dating: one of you has to be courageous enough to make the first move.

Unlike dating, most people aren’t going to say no to grabbing a coffee or seeing a movie. If it goes badly, you don’t have to ask them out again. If it goes well, you can continue to build a friendship.

Make yourself a good friend.

What kinds of qualities do you like your friends to have? How much attention do you expect, and how do you want to be treated? Make sure you’re making an effort to be the person you want your friends to be. Don’t be the one who waits for the other person to initiate. If you like keeping score, forget about doing that to make new friends as adults.

Be willing to put yourself out there and be vulnerable. You might get rejected or rebuffed, or find that someone just doesn’t have time for you. Don’t let it get to you. Keep striving to make those connections and don’t worry about whether someone thinks of you as a friend as much as you think of them. That kind of confidence helps people be drawn to you, anyway.

Say yes to everything.

No matter where you live, there are times an acquaintance or coworker invites you to something you’re not interested in. No matter how boring the event seems, go anyway. Saying yes is an important habit to cultivate if you want to make personal connections.

Related podcast: Yes or No: Do All the Things Except Some

The more you say yes, the more you’ll be invited. The converse is also true: say no too often and you’ll never get an invite again. Once you’ve ingratiated yourself with a crowd, you can start saying no every once in awhile without losing your new squad.

Listen to this related podcast.

How to find your new BFF.
How to find your new BFF.

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