Self-Awareness Archives

Ghosting is the ultimate passive-aggressive avoidance behavior. Here’s what to do when it happens to you. Read More...

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Casey Bond

Things have been going great: you’re texting daily, flirting over social media, maybe even Netflix and chilling every now and then.

At least, you were.

Recently, the texts have slowed to infrequent, one-word responses. Your DMs don’t seem to be going through. You watched The End of the F***ing World alone last weekend and spent waaaaaay too much time on YouTube.

To the objective observer, it’s clear what is going on. He (or she) is just not that into you and wishes you would take the hint.

In other words, you’re in the middle of being ghosted.

Or, just maybe, you’ve already been ghosted.

Have you really been ghosted?

Unfortunately, attraction turns even the most logical individual into an optimistic idiot.

Maybe he’s just really, really busy. Perhaps she had a family emergency. You’ll hear back when everything gets straightened out — but let’s send another text just in case the previous 15 somehow weren’t received.

While attempts to rationalize the situation after weeks of radio silence might be foolish, those feelings of hurt and betrayal are not. The act of ghosting is a growing phenomenon that can be confusing and painful for the person left wondering what happened.

But with growing reliance on digital means of communication, ghosting is becoming a popular strategy for ending a relationship while avoiding conflict. In fact, if someone thinks they can honestly avoid bumping into you for a few months (and hopefully forever), they will likely go ahead and ghost you.

We live in a world where people hide behind semi-anonymity all the time. We don’t like dealing with unpleasantness, and a real, actual break-up is the definition of unpleasant.

When you’re on the receiving end, though, it’s brutal. Here’s your survival guide for being ghosted:

Stop trying.

Sure, it’s possible there are exceptional circumstances preventing the person in question from getting back to you. As more time passes, your desire to find out what’s wrong increases.

You tell yourself you need closure. Can’t they just get back to you and tell you why? You try to convince yourself that you’ll be fine if it’s over — as long as they just explain everything. After all, they owe you the courtesy.

Just stop. If they really wanted to talk to you, they would find a way. A sudden, prolonged halt in communication is a strong sign they not only want to break things off but don’t respect your feelings enough to tell you in person — or at least over the phone.

Real talk: they’ve probably moved on to someone else (who they will likely end up treating the exact same way).

In the long-run, you’ll come away with your dignity intact if you stop trying to make contact after one or two follow-ups. Obsessing over it isn’t doing you any favors. It doesn’t hurt them, and all it does is sap your emotional energy and bring you down. They’re not worth your energy, so stop giving it to them.

And if it turns out they were trapped in an abandoned mineshaft for two weeks with no cell service, I’m sure you’ll get a call as soon as possible.

Understand it’s them, not you.

“It is a form of avoidance,” said Lisa Bahar, a marriage and family therapist based in Newport Beach, CA. Bahar explained that ghosting is a behavior meant to communicate that the person doesn’t want any more contact for now — without actually having to communicate.

In other words, the act of ghosting is one of immaturity. A person who ghosts is overwhelmed by either a crippling fear of confrontation or a shameful lack of empathy for others.

Either way, it’s not a good look — for them.

That lack of emotional awareness would like have manifested in other ways throughout a prolonged relationship. Trite as it might sound, it’s better to find this out somewhat early on, before you’ve put too much of your life, time, energy, and (possibly) money into the relationship.

It’s important to understand that being ghosted is nothing personal. People who ghost simply lack the basic social skills that dictate we show consideration for others.

Focus on yourself.

So screw them. You are no less attractive, intelligent, or interesting because someone didn’t have the balls to speak to you directly and honestly. That’s their problem and it’s not your responsibility to fix it.

Really, don’t try to fix it.

Don’t concoct elaborate emotional revenge schemes and don’t think about what you’ll say to them when you run into them at the bar. Don’t think about how you’ll teach them a lesson. It’s not your job to turn someone into a decent human being.

Bahar recommended processing your feelings with a therapist or trusted confidant while giving the ghoster space.

“Avoid asking for explanations,” she said, and instead find healthy outlets for releasing your frustration and anger.

Then move on with your life. After all, what’s greater payback than not giving a shit?

Actually, scratch that. You don’t want to even think about payback.

Instead, get to know you. Enjoy yourself doing things you like. It’s ok to spend time alone and like it. In fact, you might be happier single once you get to know yourself.

Bottom line.

Adult relationships are hard. They require candor, compromise, and the acceptance that sometimes it’s just not going to work out. But the hardest things in life also tend to be the most rewarding in the end.

When someone ghosts you, it’s clear that they weren’t willing to put in the work. Instead, if you want a relationship, you deserve to be with someone who puts in the same amount of work you do. Don’t waste your time on someone who can’t be bothered with your feelings.

Ghosting happens, but that doesn’t make it okay. You don’t like to be ghosted, so show others the same courtesy if you’re not feeling it.

Don’t give in to the temptation to go dark on someone just because you’re afraid to talk to them. Treating others with compassion — even if the actual passion is gone — is the easiest way to receive the same in return.

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Your lateness is annoying everyone around you. Stop. Read More...

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John Schneider

I’m late, I’m late for
A very important date.
No time to say hello, good-bye,
I’m late, I’m late, I’m late.

– The White Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland

You don’t have to be The White Rabbit in Alice in Wonderland. You can be punctual. You don’t have to rush. You can arrive easily. It’s not impossible to stop being late.

The occasional tardiness is acceptable and expected. That urgent phone call just when you’re walking out the door. The kids simply refuse to behave that morning. The dog eats the neighbor’s bunny (sorry white rabbit).

On the other hand, being perpetually late is a sign of your poor planning or your disinterest. Neither reflects well on you. This can cost you the respect of your friends and colleagues. It can either consciously or unconsciously lead those who might be pivotal to your success think negatively of you. If you’re up for a promotion and it’s neck and neck, your perpetual lateness could mean the loss of the job.

There’s a saying in business: “Five minutes early is on time; on time is late; late is unacceptable.”

So, how can you plan to be punctual? I’ve got some tips to help you turn into the most reliable person in your social circle.

Plan earlier.

People who are perpetually late often blame their circumstances for their lateness. The easiest way to stop being late is to plan to do everything earlier that you think you must.

This means setting your alarm clock to go off earlier, hopping in the shower sooner, maybe skipping the morning news or newspaper and getting in your car and leaving earlier. If you have children, this means waking them earlier, getting them dressed earlier and dropping them off at school earlier.

This may sound harsh, but other people who are punctual have jobs, children, and demands. They still make their appointments and deadlines on time.

Plan to do less.

If planning earlier doesn’t make you more punctual, maybe there’s another problem. It’s hard to decline invitations or to say no to a request for help. We want to help everyone and meet everyone’s expectations. Those are noble goals, but they could be sabotaging you.

If you’re overcommitting, over helping, and over-promising, maybe you need to put less on your plate. Learn to say, “Thanks but no thanks.” You’re simply putting too much on yourself, which means you’re neither helping yourself nor giving those you’re helping your best self. Again, neither reflects well on you.

Learn your limitations, understand your expectations, and give in moderation. You’ll be surprised at how this can help you stop being late.

Plan better.

There are skills to getting more done in less time. If mornings are a challenge for you, pack your lunch, prepare your breakfast (as much as you can), lay out your clothing, and place everything you need to take with you for the day by your door. This way, you can wake up, get ready and many of your menial tasks are done.

What happens if you’re at work and your colleagues are distracting you? If you’re late for meetings and deadlines because others’ lack of preparation slows you down, take drastic steps. Don’t answer the phone, decline meeting requests, and avoid the morning chatter your first hour at work. Use this time to plan your day or prepare for your most important task.

Another way to get more done in less time is to do your most important or most challenging task first. This way you’re tackling this responsibility during the freshest part of your day. It’s easier to get more done when your synapses are firing on all cylinders and you have enough time to do what you must do.

Finally, focus. If you need to prepare for a meeting or it’s important for you to complete one responsibility, ignore those distractions that prevent you from focusing on the task at hand. Ignore emails, phone calls, and text messages that don’t serve your need. If you need to help the kids with their homework so they can get to bed on time, Facebooking and texting your friends are distractions.

Plan to plan.

Some people are more laid back, and that’s great. Honestly, I wish I were more laid back. However, that becomes a problem when it starts affecting other people or other people’s perception of you. If people start thinking you’re unprofessional or incapable, you have a problem.

The resolution to this is planning to plan. If you hit the snooze button over and over, plan to wake up the first time your alarm goes off. Mel Robbins’ 5-4-3-2-1 strategy is helpful for this.

Plan to make being punctual fun. If you don’t want to be late for a party, plan to show up early to spend one-on-one time with the host or to have a quiet drink alone before the party starts. If you have a meeting, plan to arrive early with coffee or cupcakes. The others will appreciate your thoughtfulness and timeliness. They’ll be happy you learned to stop being late.

Plan to care.

You may simply not care to be punctual. You may be the most important person in your life, but if you’re not the most important person where you’re going, you’re hurting yourself. The most important person and your peers will start to think less of you. Those who are less important than you will become cynical about you.

Resolve this by looking for the value of being on time for them. If you’re habitually late because you don’t like your boss, see how being on time and being a better employee for them could get you a lateral or upward job change. If you’re going to a party or event you don’t care about, if you plan to go at all, go early so you can leave early. Plan to care before you no longer have a job or friends to care about.

Plan to remember.

If you find it hard to remember what you must do, set up systems to help you. That’s easier to do today than ever. Once you get these systems in place, you will find it’s easier to stop being late.

I live and die by my to-do list on my Any List app. It’s an easy, portable place to list my daily to-dos and get the enjoyment of crossing them off. I also live by my Outlook calendar and meeting reminders. Outlook offers a phone app, and this gives me push notifications for upcoming meetings and deadlines. Depending on the meeting or deadline, I request notifications between 15 minutes to one week prior.

The iPhone will also send you push notifications at a certain time or when you’re at a certain location. If you need to pick up the milk on the way home, you can tell your iPhone to remind you at a certain time, when you leave work or when you’re near the grocery store.

There are numerous other apps to help you plan and remember — so you can stop being late. Find what works for you.

Plan to stop procrastinating.

Some people think they work better under pressure. Studies show those people are wrong.

Tim Pychyl, director of the Procrastination Research Group at Carleton University and author of Solving the Procrastination Puzzle, says, “there is not one study that supports the claim that people perform better under the gun of a fast-approaching deadline.” If you’re one of the people who think you work better under pressure, stop lying to yourself.

Get real and create a schedule that allows you to tackle big projects a little at a time. Don’t put off projects until you’re almost late. It just stresses you out and it increases the chances you’ll miss your deadline. Whether that project is helping your child with a science project or getting something done at work, you’ll feel much better when you stop being late because you’ve taken your time.

Start to see the value, including less stress and more time to do better, by being on time. Put forth your best effort and get your best results.

Take it from someone who hates being late and who hates when others are consistently late. It’s not good for you or others if you’re never on time. It may be an antiquated belief, but even today for many being punctual is important to you and to them.

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Have you thought about what it means to live a purposeful life? Read More...

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Miranda Marquit

“Follow your bliss.”

“Do what you love, and you’ll never work a day in your life.”

What does any of that mean?

Sure it would be nice to just hang out having fun and making money for doing whatever. The reality, though, is that most of us have to work for a living.

Besides, even if we love what we do, some days are just crappy. As much as I enjoy writing, there are days I just don’t really “feel” it.

But I do it anyway because I like eating, and I think my son should wear clothing to school. Does the fact that some days aren’t bliss-filled and there are times I have to write shit I don’t care about mean I’m on the wrong path?

Of course not.

You’re not supposed to be in a state of blissful happiness 24/7. If you were in that state all the time, it would cease to be bliss. Once it becomes normal, there’s really no point. It’s the ups and downs that make those precious moments worthwhile.

The real key is figuring out what your bliss happens to be and then incorporating that bliss in your life.

That’s the journey I’m on right now. Rather than setting a bunch of quasi-meaningless goals for the new year, I’m making this a time of exploration for me. What do I want my purpose in life to be? How can I figure it out so I can follow my bliss?

Map it out: What does your bliss look like?

If you want to follow your bliss, the first step is to think about what it looks like. And be honest: would you really be happy lying on a beach somewhere doing nothing all the time? I know I wouldn’t be.

In fact, most of us don’t want to be stuck doing nothing. There’s a reason research indicates that early retirement can lead to an earlier death. There might be a correlation between not having a purpose after you quit work and a premature death. While there’s still plenty of research to be done, and the data isn’t conclusive, you can see why losing your purpose might mean mental and physical health problems.

But I’m not anywhere near retirement. I just want to figure out what matters to me so I can follow my bliss on a more regular basis.

So, inspired by Harlan’s life map, I created my own.

I named my map “Living with Passion and Purpose” because I decided that my bliss involves things that allow me to follow some of my passions while also living with a sense of purpose.

Many of us like to feel as though we can make a difference. Chances are when you think about how to follow your bliss, part of that is working in a capacity that allows you to help people, whether that means volunteering or cultivating career opportunities that allow you to feel as though you are contributing to something worthwhile.

You can figure out what your own bliss looks like by going through the exercise of creating a life map as well. Sit down and think about the kinds of things you would be doing for work and in your leisure time if you were able to follow your bliss.

One of the reasons that phrases like “follow your bliss” get so much play is due to the fact that, for most of us, money isn’t the driver that makes life interesting.

Here is what Rosabeth Moss Kanter at Harvard discovered about what makes work worth doing:

In research for my book Evolve!, I identified three primary sources of motivation in high-innovation companies: mastery, membership, and meaning. Another M, money, turned out to be a distant fourth. Money acted as a scorecard, but it did not get people up-and-at ‘em for the daily work, nor did it help people go home every day with a feeling of fulfillment.

Where does money fit when you follow your bliss?

Money is on my life map, but mostly as a subject I write and podcast about — as well as the Thing that allows me to follow all my other interests.

In order to fulfill the items at the base of Maslow’s hierarchy pyramid, money is necessary. You can’t buy food, water, or shelter without money. Even on the second level up, with safety needs, some sort of funds are necessary.

You can’t keep moving up the pyramid without the basics that often have to be bought. And, even as you progress up the pyramid, money can help you feel other things. I like to use money as a means to my ends. Many of the activities I have on my life map — items like travel and providing opportunities for my son — require money.

But I don’t like earning money just to have moar money.

Chances are that money isn’t your main motivator, either. Even if you don’t have same passions I do or hope to impact the world around you in the same way (I prefer small-scale, local efforts), you are probably motivated by something other than just piling up the benjamins in your bank account.

Add bits of bliss to your life.

Once you know what your bliss looks like, you can start adding it to your life. It doesn’t mean that you have to drop everything you’re doing right now to follow bliss. You can start looking for meaning in what you do, even if it is a crappy job.

Find other ways to add purpose to your life. Start a side gig. Volunteer. Take music lessons. Play with your kids. Netflix and chill. Join a book club. Spend the night in a hotel. Look for a way to make a small change that adds to your quality of life.

A few years ago, when I felt trapped in my life, I made time to take guitar lessons. For half an hour each week, I met with a teacher. I practiced for 15 to 20 minutes each day.

Is that enough to become a good guitar player? Nope. But it’s enough to find some enjoyment and passion in the day, learn something new, and get to the point where I can accompany other people. It wasn’t much, but it added something to my life — a spark of joy.

Today, I still like to get out the guitar on occasion. Just like I enjoy playing the piano. I’ve also added short, 10-minute lessons with Duolingo. I purposely carve out a half hour for lunch to read a chapter in a novel while I eat.

These are simple things that don’t take a lot of time. However, they bring a bit of bliss into my daily life. They give me a sense that I don’t always have to be involved in the daily grind or working on something productive. Sometimes it’s okay to just live.

Little by little, reduce the amount of time you spend on things that don’t bring you happiness and shift toward what adds purpose and passion to your life.

Don’t expect everything to change at once.

It would be great to snap your fingers and have everything figured out. But that’s not how it works. In fact, it can take months — and even years — to finally shift all the pieces of your life.

You don’t have to upend your life to follow your bliss. And you don’t have to stop what you’re doing just because you have a bad day.

However, you can make a plan. Use your life map as a guide to figure out which areas you want to focus on first. Consider how you can create a new career strategy that allows you to gradually change course and love your work.

Slowly find time to yourself, doing what you want. Maybe it means finding five minutes to do yoga or scheduling 20 minutes to read each day. I recently added exercise to my calendar. It’s something that is now blocked out and I’m committed to it. While it’s not exactly my bliss, I do feel better when I exercise and I also expect to reap the health benefits.

Your life will never be absolutely perfect. But it can be pretty damn good.

Look for the little ways to enjoy life, and you’ll be surprised at how it all adds up until eventually you really do get to live the life you (mostly) want.

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Take any relationship to the next level by ditching the device and communicating deeply instead. Read More...

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Miranda Marquit

We need other people in our lives. Your crew is a big part of your emotional health. If your device is getting all the attention you should be giving to your friends and family or if you feel like you have a lot of acquaintances but no real friends, you might want to think about how you can create closer ties with the people in your life.

Our social interactions make us happier, and developing deep, meaningful relationships with people lead to feeling support and even greater happiness. This doesn’t mean that you need to try to become besties with everyone you meet. But you can work to create deeper relationships with a few people you really enjoy being around. (As an introvert, I am more comfortable when I limit the number of deep friendships I have.)

So, don’t assume that you’re having a good time with someone when you’re both staring at your individual screens. Make an effort to be present for the people in your life.

Put down the phone.

Reduce textual intimacy.

Your first step is to stop using text as much and actually connect in person — or at least via voice. I love texting as much as the next person. It’s easy and you can avoid a person or put them off. Plus, you can respond slower, reviewing your words before firing off.

Text messaging has given so many of us a way to communicate with less social awkwardness. There’s a reason I work online. There’s a reason I ask people to shoot me an email or text instead of calling me. It’s because it’s an amazing communication tool that puts a bit of distance between you and others.

While all of this is great, the reality is that texting has made it easier to avoid people and their emotions. Want to break up with someone? Send a text and block their number. You can avoid the emotional consequences. Telling your bestie something difficult? Texting means you may have the guts to say something hurtful that you would never say to someone’s face.

Rather than relying on texting (or Facebook messaging) to keep in touch, spend some time talking on the phone, using Skype, or seeing each other in person. And, while you’re doing this, put the phone down. Be present. Don’t be clicking around on the web while Facetiming. Don’t play a game on your phone while you speak with someone.

Textual relations might be easier to manage, but that distance means that you could be missing out on something harder, but worth it.

Listen.

One of the issues with our soundbite culture is that we’re always looking for the next quip. On top of that, we often want our turn to talk. My 15-year-old son used to barely contain himself when he had something to say, and that meant he was often busy trying to figure out what he would say next, without really listening to me.

Now, though, he’s become a much better listener. And, to my chagrin, I sometimes find myself absent-mindedly listening to him, rather than actively listening. I’m renewing my efforts to pay attention to my son so that he can tell that I actually care what he says — and I do care about what he has to say.

The more you listen, the more you are likely to care about someone. And they will appreciate your effort.

Listening is one of the keys to meaningful relationships. It forces you to pay attention to the other person and usually results in boosting your empathy. Your buddy will appreciate your effort to listen, and you’ll have a willing ear for your own issues. Just the act of sharing these thoughts can help you develop meaningful relationships that go below the surface.

Laugh.

Laughter really is the best medicine. When you can laugh with (not at) someone, you are more likely to build stronger ties. Research indicates that laughter can foster an emotional connection and enhance positive feelings. If you can find some common things to laugh about, you are likely to have deeper relationships.

So, rather than having a chuckle at the videos on your phone, or searching through memes for a laugh, consider laughing with the people around you. There’s no need to develop an emotional relationship with your phone. Instead, see if you can find something fun to do with someone you love. You’ll laugh, develop a better relationship, and ultimately be happier.

Don’t be so judgy.

We all have our unique quirks. If you’re constantly judging others for their issues, no one will want to hang with you. Plus, you’ll have a harder time seeing others’ good qualities. You can’t really understand someone and get to know him or her when you are too busy passing judgment.

And, unfortunately, being on the phone all the time can mean judgment. Are you always looking at someone’s Instagram feed and then making judgments about them?

Too often, we react to what we see on social media or through the camera lens, rather than getting to know those around us on a more personal level. Let go of preconceived notions, and the picture you see on social media. Really get to know your friends and family. You might be surprised to find that you understand them better, and are less willing to judge harshly.

You’ll be happier by accepting others— and you’ll be the kind of person people want to get to know.

Follow up with potential besties.

It can feel vulnerable to put yourself out there and make a move. Whether you are inviting a friend to the movies, asking your brother to hang out with you, or trying to get with someone, following up can feel like defeat. You don’t want to look desperate.

Sometimes, it’s hard to be the one to ask for an activity. It’s easier to just scroll through the latest on Twitter. But that won’t get you out there, making connections with potential friends, or strengthening relationships with people you already like.

When you have a teenager, you risk rejection all the time. What teen boy wants to play a board game with his mom? And sometimes I’m tired and I just want to read a book using my Kindle app and let him just peruse Imgur on his phone. But I suck it up and ask anyway. And, to my surprise, he says yes 80% of the time. We have great conversations while we play board games or Magic.

If you like someone, and you want to be friends or more, put it on the line. Follow up. You’ll show your interest, and it might be the beginning of something really cool. Waiting and making excuses only means that you miss out on the potential for meaningful relationships.

Like yourself.

Before you can have a meaningful relationship with anyone, from your mom to your bae, you need to like yourself. Take the time to get to know who you are, and learn to feel confident in that. When you like yourself, you are less likely to use passive-aggressive tactics on others.

Studies indicate that spending a lot of time on social media can lead to poor mental health outcomes. You can feel worse about yourself — and be reluctant to put yourself out there in relationships.

So, put down the phone and improve your relationship with YOU. Think about what you like. Engage in activities that allow you to explore your talents and passions. Get out and volunteer or find a cause. Sometimes we use our phones to distract ourselves from what we don’t like about who we are. Rather than getting into a relationship with your phone, know who are and be happy with that person.

Then, you’ll be in a better place to be happier with others.

Deeper, happier relationships require effort and time. Put down the phone, make eye contact, and watch your relationships mature beyond textual intimacy.

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What’s your sign? Does it matter? Maybe the constellations have more insight than you know… Read More...

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Michelle Jackson

The people who know me, know that I’m a bit…woo-woo. I burn sage in my home and office to clear it of bad energy. I’m a bit superstitious and would never walk under a ladder. Black cats crossing my path freak me out, and you could have a full conversation with me on the importance of people’s “energy” you know-how they make you feel when they are around.

So, when I was asked to explore how well my horoscope “knows” me I felt up for the task. But, I’ll be honest and say that I was a little reticent. Did I want people to know that I buy into this stuff? Would I be acknowledging that I was one of those weirdos who would ask people what their sign was, or at least, was able to figure it out without them telling me?

Well, I grew up in Boulder, Colorado and talking about this kind of thing is not in the least bit unusual. I’m owning my woo-wooness. And, will admit that I find myself continuously amazed by how accurate, not so much my daily horoscope can be, but the characteristics that are associated with my sign. What’s that sign?

I’m a Leo, hear me roar.

I’m in pretty good company too. The following amazing, volatile, and high achieving people are also Leos:

President Obama – Love him or hate him (I love him) he has always been a great leader and brilliant all-around person.
Madonna – Of the infamous “Bitch-I’m Madonna” song, amongst others, that proclaim how amazing she is.
JLo – That’s Jennifer Lopez for the rest of us (and we have the same birthday – she’s older….but, in better shape).
JLaw – You know, Jennifer Lawrence the perpetually quirky, interesting, awkward girl.

Yep, I’m in pretty good company. I began to look at what are considered to be core Leo traits and see if they actually defined my being.

It was a little creepy.

Are the positive traits really unique?

Leos (like everyone else) have a number of wonderful traits. You could argue that these same traits could apply to anyone and you would be right. But, for the sake of my horoscope, I want to see if my horoscope is right about me?

Leos are said to emulate the lion. And, like lions, they are loyal and love fiercely. I would say that I’m pretty dang loyal…until you turn on me and then we’re going to have some problems. Likewise, in loving fiercely it’s also said that Leos would like the same intensity of being loved in return. While I would agree with this for me, I feel like that’s any person that wants to have healthy, happy relationships in their life.

Leos are also considered to be extremely independent. I’m very independent, but I also happen to be an only child so I feel like that’s also an only child trait as well. I’m not knocking the horoscope, but I think it’s important to bring up the fact that there may be other reasons why I’m so independent.

This one feels a little awkward to bring up but, it is considered one of the key Leo traits-the need to be the center of attention. Ahem. But, given the list I just shared, there may be something to it. I decided to look back at some of the things that I’ve participated in:

Blogging-umm, basically talking about my money situation. It’s not all moonlight and roses…but, it’s all about me LOL! Blogging also relies on social media, doing live videos etc. Awkward.

Cheerleading-So…all eyes would be on the squad when not watching whatever game we were cheering.

Various leadership positions-ok, maybe this one is on the money? Or, maybe I’m just a focused-driven person who enjoys opportunities to shine?

Leo weaknesses.

Now, it’s time to check out some of the perceived Leo weaknesses. Leos are said to be somewhat rigid, occasionally lazy, and maybe a wee bit arrogant. Ahem. I resemble these traits and it’s not a comfortable thing to admit.

It could be argued that my horoscope knows me well, or that I’m just a flawed human being that needs to work on myself-just like everyone else.

Horoscopes are fun to read and think about, just don’t get weird and let them dictate the actions that you take in your life. Read your horoscope at the end of the month to see how accurate it was. This keeps things light, fun, and out of the crazy zone.

Do you read your horoscope faithfully? Do you find it helpful, or think it can apply to anyone? Let us know your thoughts in the #Adulting Facebook community.

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Get your mind back. Read More...

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When making decisions, we often rely on someone else to tell us what to do. We are inclined to go along with the group.

This can even mean changing our outlook based on what groups around us think. We run the risk of going along with someone else, rather than coming up with our own ideas or responses.

Before you do what you’re told, stop a minute and ask why you’re taking that stand. Are you really thinking for yourself? Or have you succumbed to groupthink?

Concepts

A definition of groupthink.
Where we see groupthink: business, politics, religion, social situations.
The dangers of gravitating only toward people who share your thoughts.
Are you using shortcuts instead of thinking for yourself?
Is it really a good idea to trust only one person to tell you how to live?
How efforts to please others can lead you to stop thinking for yourself.
In business, groupthink can stifle creativity and lead you to miss out on new ideas and creative solutions.
Tips for avoiding groupthink.
How to challenge your own worldview and maintain health skepticism.

This week, our DO NOWs revolve around challenging your own worldview. It’s about actively seeking ways to review your positions and why you take the stands you do. It includes finding something you disagree and giving it consideration, writing an argument on behalf of the “other” side, and listening to someone who disagrees with you.

Our listener this week is trying to reclaim parents from groupthink. Unfortunately, when you’ve stopped thinking for yourself, it’s hard to get those mental gears going again.

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Resources

Resources about groupthink.

Groupthink and politics.

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Life’s too short to always feel shafted. If you’re not getting what you want out of your life, it’s time to change things! Let’s put your effort where it matters. Read More...

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John Schneider

Is your life a profitable business or a non-profit? In business, everything requires a return on investment (ROI). Unless they’re required otherwise by law, companies don’t do anything without the intention of making money. Companies hire a person in so much as that person can complete a task that pays for their salary and makes the company a profit.

I know! Some jobs subsidize others, but this isn’t ECON101. We’re in Adulting701, and we’re talking about life.

Why is it that we don’t apply a similar philosophy of an ROI on our personal lives? We keep people around who suck our souls. We repeat bad habits that harm our health. We avoid opportunities to challenge ourselves and grow. We stay with the same, old tried and true to the detriment of our dreams.

That is not a business or personal model for success.

Spend time with other awesome people.

As we age, we collect people in our lives and keep them at all cost. We’re loyal and faithful and sometimes caring to a fault. Everyone has their down days and who doesn’t want to live up to Bill Withers’ standard when he sang, “Lean on me when you’re not strong, and I’ll be your friend. I’ll help you carry on.” Aside from ending in a preposition, those are noble words by which to live.

See what I did there?

In 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, Stephen Covey talked about emotional bank accounts. Everyone has an emotional bank account, and the people in our lives are either making a deposit or making a withdrawal from our emotional bank account.

The more people withdraw from our emotional bank account, the lower our ROI. If they deduct or even deplete our emotional bank account, our ROI can be negative. That’s not okay. We want people who add more than they take so that we can be all or more than we can be. It’s fair to remember, that we’re either adding to or taking from others’ emotional bank accounts, too.

Keep people around you who make you better and whom you can help be better.

Risk living for your dream or stay stuck in a nightmare.

Les Brown said, “The graveyard is the richest place on earth because it is here that you will find all the hopes and dreams that were never fulfilled.” Will you take your biggest and best asset to the grave with you?

Are you staying with a job because you have family responsibilities? Are you not stretching towards your dream because you think you’re too old, too young, not the right gender, don’t have enough experience, blah, blah, blah?

You know what they say about excuses, right?

For the longest time, I wanted to be financially and geographically independent by helping people with their money. That’s making a long story short. However, one of my mental hurdles was thinking that I was too young. Who would listen to me in my 20s? Who would listen to me in my 30s? Even when I started this venture, I wondered who would listen to me in my 40s?

When I started doing what I wanted, I began networking with others who were doing the same. Many of them were younger than me. Because I’m a master of self-doubt, I started to think I’m too old. If I listened to my internal dialogue, I had one year in which I was the optimal age to do what I wanted to do.

Mel Robbins says we’d be committed to an institution if other people could hear our internal dialogue. So, I stopped listening to my fears and insecurities and started listening to my faith and possibilities. While nothing is inevitable, I’m happier than ever and can’t wait to wake up every day to continue working on my dream.

If you aren’t excited to wake up more days than not, is it because you’re living a nightmare? If you’re living a nightmare or even a drama, what value are you getting from it?

Don’t love the one you’re with, rather be with the one you love.

“Love the One You’re With” is a badass tune, but it’s bad advice. There’s a good chance we get one life and, as we’ve learned over the last couple of decades, we can have full and happy lives alone. We don’t need someone else to make us happy and, if we think we do, there’s a problem.

If we “need” someone in our lives to make us happy, then we have more needs than love. Plus, it’s not fair to put that kind of responsibility on someone.

Only when we can love ourselves fully, completely alone, and for who we are can we receive true love. It feels unfair, but it’s true, and any relationship we stay in because we need to will be mediocre at best and, in economic terms, that’s stagnation.

Our resources are limited. We only have so much time. We only have so much energy. We can only give so much without getting something in return. What is your ROI in every area of your life and how can you get a better return?

When you figure out that formula, you’ll have more abundance than you thought possible.

We would love to hear your thoughts about your personal ROI in the #Adulting Facebook community! Hope to see you there!

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Some struggles make us lose hope. Make us feel lost. If you are dealing with anxiety or depression, there is hope. There is a path to wellness. Read More...

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Zina Kumok

There’s no denying it – depression and anxiety are on the rise in the United States. Whether you attribute the uptick to societal factors or heightened awareness of mental health issues, it’s clear that many Americans are suffering without a clear path to wellness.

Thankfully, treating these issues is exceedingly more simple than people realize – which isn’t to say it’s easy. There are tried and true methods that, if used appropriately and consistently, have a high chance of improving the symptoms of anxiety and depression. It may be an uphill battle, but it’s a hill worth climbing.

Successful treatment looks different for everyone, so keep an open mind. Here are some basic steps to take if you don’t know where to start.

Catalog your feelings.

Writing down your feelings is one of the most basic strategies to cope with feeling anxious or depressed. The University of Rochester Medical Center recommends journaling to combat “stress, depression or anxiety.”

I write in a journal every day, chronicling how I’m feeling and what’s bothering me. When I’m in a funk I can’t explain, I automatically reach for my notebook. On a basic level, documenting your mental condition allows you to separate yourself from negative emotions by playing the part of an objective observer.

I also use thought records to document my anxiety and change my reaction to it. A thought record is a simple worksheet where you catalog what the situation is, what you’re thinking and how you feel. Then you write down how rational your thoughts are, what the more rational response would be and how likely it is that the rational response is correct. Cognitive behavioral therapy practitioners believe when they change their thoughts, they can change their feelings and behavior.

For example, if you think your friend will be mad you forgot her birthday, you could write down a thought record saying why you feel bad, what you’re thinking about yourself and what your friend’s likely response is. Thought records can help you see when you’re blowing things out of proportion and how to manage your problems more effectively.

Stay connected.

Depression often robs victims of the energy and desire to do the hobbies and activities they once enjoyed. It can take away the motivation to work out, eat healthy and stay connected to your social circle. The problem is, staying involved with your friends and pastimes is one of the few ways you can feel better.

Start small. Invite a friend or two over for a movie night where you don’t have to do anything except provide a DVD or turn on Netflix. Meet a former coworker for coffee or a drink. If a pal is having a party, try to go for at least an hour.

“I can usually count on a few things to help or at least distract me from how I’m feeling for a bit,” said Kelly Whalen of Centsible Life. “Those include reading, walking outside, petting my fluffy dog, taking a nap or a little window shopping.”

You should also consider finding a group of peers who are dealing with depression as well. Talking about your problems with people who understand can make you feel less alone in your struggles. The Anxiety and Depression Association of America has an online support group you can join, as well as a private forum where you can write out your feelings.

Find a therapist.

A licensed therapist or counselor can be an incredible tool in fighting depression or anxiety. Unfortunately, many people assume that the only therapists available are ones who charge $200 an hour.

Not so. Almost everyone can find a low-cost therapist if they look hard enough. Your doctor might have some recommendations on where to look, so start there. A local university with a psychology department will also have an in-house clinic where you can meet with current students or graduates. Low-cost or free clinics often have a therapist on staff.

On average, these clinics charge anywhere from $5 to $40, and many have a sliding scale system based on income. I’ve had good experiences with inexpensive therapists and consider them a necessary tool in fighting anxiety and depression.

Talk to a doctor.

You should talk to a doctor about medication if therapy, journaling and working out don’t alleviate your anxiety or depression. Only a medical doctor can prescribe pills, so make an appointment with your primary care physician and not your counselor or therapist.

Don’t worry if it takes some time for the medication to kick in or if you don’t like how it feels at first. Many patients need a few weeks to adjust, so be aware of that. Your doctor can alter the prescription as need be if you’re not feeling better after a month or so. If you decide you don’t like it, ask your doctor how to taper off. Withdrawal symptoms are common and can be debilitating if you don’t scale back appropriately.

If you’re feeling anxious or depressed, it can take time to work through it. Try to find what works best for you.

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Tired of all the negativity? Time to turn it around. Take steps to adopt a positive mindset. Read More...

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John Schneider

You’re awesome!

Do you know that?

You’re so awesome that it took 13.8 billion years to create you. You’re awesome because you are star dust. You traveled through the far reaches of space to get here at this time and this place.

The world needs what you and only you can give.

These are truths to think about when you’re in a negative space. When you’re thinking negative thoughts about yourself or your life. We quickly forget about how awesome it is that we’re here on this Earth at this time. Whether part of a master plan or a cosmic accident, it’s amazing that you and I are here.

That doesn’t mean that some days, some weeks, some years are harder than others. Here are five tips to use when you’re in a negative mental place and need to adopt a positive mindset:

Happiness isn’t a destination.

You’ve heard it before, but it bears repeating: Happiness isn’t a destination. If you always wait to arrive at happiness, you’ll never get there. I may ruffle feathers with this, but happiness is a choice. If you want to adopt a positive mindset, start there.

Misery loves company. It’s easy to gravitate toward — or be — the Negative Nancy or the Kelvin Killjoy. If you want to bitch about work, about politics, about last night’s game or anything, you’ll find comradery quickly. Negative people feed off negative people, which can lead to a perpetual cycle of negativity.

People proudly, often too proudly, proclaim that they’re quitting Facebook, taking a social media hiatus or completed a mass-unfollowing. They’re shedding negativity in some way, shape or form. They choose to stop feeding off negativity.

When you intentionally choose happiness every day, you’ll be happier.

Even a fake smile helps.

So, you’ve chosen to go against your “tude” and be happy.

What do you do? For starters, fake a smile. Even a fake smile releases dopamine, endorphins, and serotonin into our bodies. These hormones are known as the “happy chemicals.”

Just when you don’t want to smile is the perfect time to smile. Force a smile for yourself and then smile at someone else. Smiles are contagious, and the world would benefit from a pandemic of smiles. Plus, it will go a long way as you work to adopt a positive mindset.

Connect with awesome people.

We’re social creatures, even possibly social aliens as we are all made of stars. As I said, misery loves company, and some company is perpetually miserable. As Bob Proctor says, you don’t need to cut these people out of your life if they’re important to you. Just spend less time with them less frequently.

Replace your time spent with miserable people with individuals who lift you up. Better yet, as Lisa Nichols says, “Surround yourself with people who make you stand on your tippy toes.” They’ll help you become a better version of yourself.

If you fill your life with more positive people, you’ll feel more positive, and you’ll produce better results. When you harness this power of positivity, you can use it to help your less positive friends and family.

Have positively positive thoughts.

We often think we’re trying to be positive when we’re negative. As Jake Ducey says, when we think positively about getting the things we want, we’re coming from a place of lack. For example, when you say, “I know I can be more positive,” you’re acknowledging that you lack positivity and you’re in search of it. You don’t have it now. So, act as though you already have it.

Oprah said, “Be thankful for what you have; you’ll end up having more. If you concentrate on what you don’t have, you will never, ever have enough.” Oprah made no mention of paying attention to or focusing on what you’re lacking, not even to overcome a scarcity mindset.

We all want to end war, right? As Ducey shared, Mother Theresa used positively thinking positive thoughts best when she said, “I will never attend an anti-war rally; if you have a peace rally, invite me.” Anti-war demonstrations, the War on Drugs, the War on Crime and the War on Poverty are all counter-productive because they all start from a place of negativity.

If we focus on uplifting each other and the world, we’ll get more positive results.

Motivate yourself in the second person.

We all talk to ourselves. The problem is, as Mel Robbins says, “If others heard how we talk to ourselves we’d be put in an institution.” Too often we consciously and unconsciously speak to ourselves, negatively and it’s the unconscious negative talk about which we really should be concerned.

Positive self-talk in the first-person isn’t enough, though. Internal dialogue like, “I’m happy,” “I’m a good person,” “I can do this,” and other positive statements are acceptable. They’re certainly better than the opposite. However, research shows that there’s a better way to talk to yourself and it’s a way many of the most successful people speak to themselves.

Dr. Srini Pillay says that research shows that talking to yourself in the second person produces even better results. We like to compliment ourselves, but we value compliments from others more. Use this strategy in place of receiving the same validation from others.

The good news is that it’s positively possible to change your negative mindset and adopt a positive mindset. It just takes a little bit of faith and trying some unique, even seemingly weird tricks to turn that frown upside down.

Oh, if none of the above helps, go to Toys R Us. One can’t stay negative playing with children’s toys.

Every single blade of grass,
And every flake of snow –
Is just a wee bit different …
There’s no two alike, you know.

From something small, like grains of sand,
To each gigantic star
All were made with this in mind:
To be just what they are!

How foolish then, to imitate –
How useless to pretend!
Since each of us comes from a mind
Whose ideas never end.

There’ll only be just one of me
To show what I can do –
And you should likewise feel very proud,
There’s only one of you.

That is where it all starts
With you, a wonderful
unlimited human being.

“One and Only You” by James T. Moore

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Are you scared that you’ll make the wrong decisions and screw up your life?

You’re not alone. Many of us wish we could make better choices. But how do you go about making sure you will do the right thing? And how do you feel better about your decisions?

It’s important to figure out how to own your choices. Otherwise, you run the risk of never deciding anything — and never taking charge of your life.

Concepts

How do we make decisions?
The problems with human memory.
How decision fatigue affects your ability to make better choices.
The pros and cons of jumping to conclusions.
Why making a pros and cons list helps so little.
How to tell the difference between the little decisions and the really important stuff.
Tips for creating a process for making better choices.
How to pinpoint your own ethics and values.
Strategies for analyzing potential outcomes.
The importance of being realistic as you work toward better decision-making.

Use the DO NOWS from this week to help you test out the decision-making process. Write down a major decision and choose a technique that you can use to follow to its conclusion.

You can also test out how to make faster decisions, especially with small things that might not matter as much.

Don’t forget about the listener question. This week we look at what you can do if you are miserable in your current situation, but you aren’t sure how to move forward.